Well it certainly has been quite some time since I put any fine new reading material out there. I received a text from none other than C"rot"ch this morning. He was left in tears of euphoria and times past by browsing our old blog, located in the comments section of Robortion's blorg. I took a look at some of that stuff this afternoon, and my mind was re-blown. The buildup from mid 2008 to when Robort turned on the comment moderator in February 2010 is quite stunning. What began as the occasional duty report from Croatch Ryback blossomed into a work of art both stupefying and timeless. Flashes of it's brilliance even spilled over into the comments section of the blog you are currently reading, the most recent a tri-ku left by the illustrious Dubbs only weeks ago. This naturally inspired me to take to the infertubes and relive those glory days by authoring my first post in two years. I am a bit rusty, but once the jenkem kicks in the words will flow like beer shits at an AARP convention.
Just in case any of you have forgotten, Jenkem is a drug invented by Zambian street children. To make it you simply shit in a two liter bottle, fix a balloon to the top, wait until the balloon is nice and tight with gases emitting from the fermented shit, and take a big lung busting pull off that balloon and let the good times roll. Medical professionals, such as myself, advise brushing your teeth shortly thereafter. The drug brings on waves of euphoria and memories of times past, and for some lucky users, a direct encounter with the one and only Energor, the god of turds, energy drinks, and ancient chinese scrolls. I for one would like to take this opportunity to thank the Zambians for their vision and innovation. It makes me wonder, how did these kids come up with the concept. Did they intentionally shit in a bottle and trap the fermented gases, or did they simply happen upon a two liter full of shit with a balloon tied to it and randomly decide to inhale the gases? Did they have help from ancient alien astronauts? We may never know the answer to these questions. Perhaps the formula came straight from Energor in a dream or vision. Either way, my world will never be quite the same, and I owe it all to the Zambians.
I was reminded while enjoying our blog within Robort's blog, that at one point we had actually raised $200 to pay Robort to huff jenkem. At the time we weren't sure if it was real or not. Some information pointed to it being a hoax, other sources swore it was quite real. Only one way to find out for sure. Surprisingly Robort didn't take the offer. He would eat bugs for a dollar, but he would not huff Jenkem.
As it turns out, all we had to do was turn the air off at TC Man on a hot day which actually released all the years of TC Man farts from the drywall and created a Jenkemshpere in the building. Teh rest is history, and we got to spend $200 on sausages. Those were the days. I miss the Robortion. I have only seen him once since I moved to AZ. I was somewhat hoping that when I checked my blog after abandoning it for so long I would find it had been hijacked and had 134 comments about jenkem and other enlightening information. One of these days. For now I am going to retire to the giant tub of vaseline in which I sleep.
Get totally Mini Vanned
Doctor
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I don't know if it is proper etiquette to be the first to comment on your own post, but inspired by the monsoon storm we are currently having and the knowledge that for the first time in a long time, the trails will not be made entirely of dust, I'm going to do it anyway. This is especially inspiring as I will be crushing the venerable 396 trail on my way home this evening. In fact, the shit storm of rain and hail we are currently experiencing reminded me very much of my own shit storm this morning.
ReplyDeleteI ate tacos last night. They were leftovers from the night before. I put habanero's in the ground beef and everything. Yesterday morning was business as usual atop mt Kohler. at about 4 in the afternoon yesterday I had a mid afternoon 10 incher (length not diameter) knocking at the backdoor, which is highly unusual. As previously noted this thing was about 10-12 inches in length, may be 28mm diameter. Highly unusual. I went on about my day, rode home up 396 and immediately consumed the leftover tacos.
I awoke this morning to the usual pressure, a strange burning sensation, and a great sense of urgency to summit the mountain. Mt Kohler that is. A fraction of a second before my ass hit the seat the shit shotgun went boom. A burning sensation followed the feeling of wet sand falling out of my blow h ole. The pressure was gone, but the burning remained. The entire shit took less than three seconds. One and Done I thought, amazed by the speed and consistency of what had just happened. I then realized that the burning sensation had not stopped, and that I was now standing in a cloud of jenkem more potent than anything I have encountered recently. My eyes burned almost as much as my poor, poor ass.
The burning subsided, I had coffee and watched Andy Shleck ride a pretty embarrassing time trail, followed by Chris Froome riding the time trail of a life time. I can't wait till we find out what he is on. It may take ten years to find out, but we will find out I'm sure. He will probably cry on Oprah's fat bloated shoulder. (yes Oprah will still be there, she has enough money to live forever with modern technology) Anyway, Shortly after Froome's drug addled time trail I felt that weird grumbling sensation again.
I took to my throne and a stream of shit poured out like water out of a hose. I pissed burning hot lava out of my ass for a good solid minute. The Stench was inhuman. You know it is bad when you give yourself a courtesy flush. I almost lost consciousness.
As I rode to work afterwards, the following tour-ku crept into my head in a jenkem fueled haze.
Cavendish
tainted golden shower
aids
Fuck.
Doctor
Ah, my old friend, the Zambian Lung Butter. Sure to go down smooth, but leave your breath smelling like the trio of shits I took yesterday. Each one of these shits became more and more nebulous. They started out as a nicely shaped log, but by the third turd of the day, the bowl looked more like it was holding a brown egg that was in the process of being poached with nothing to reign it in.
ReplyDeleteI for one am very glad to see that the spirit of Roborts blorg is still alive, and I will affirm to our very own XTRDR/DA9SPDR that it is in fact excellent etiquette to be the first commenter on your own blorg post.
In other news, I lament that I am on drop bars 90% of the time these days, only because it is what it easiest and most convenient. Tomorrow I will actually be hitting up the trails to try out my new tires, but until then, I can only dream of shredding some trail - specifically on the slopes of Mt. Kohler. I trust that it won't be long before CDORBS makes a glorious appearance, and I can't wait to hear how his butthairs are doing.
Go minivan yourself.
CFR, Regular Guy
I spent most of my time in the good ole STL on drop bars for the same reason. We only really have one road ride here, and albeit a decent one, I never do it anymore. I live at the top of one trail and the bottom of a few more so it is actually more convenient for me to take the raijin. I haven't ridden a road bike in about 2 years. Not to rub it in or anything.
ReplyDeleteI was riding home last night thinking the rain had passed when all of a sudden it started down pouring. It doesn't rain much here, but when it does, look out. It's coming like Criss Angel at a national boy scout convention. I rounded a corner about 2/3 of the way home just in time to see a guy in gym shorts and knee socks take off again on his walmart full suspension bike. I asked if he was ok as I passed, he unenthusiasticly replied that he was. I have a feeling I may find his body on the side of the trail on my way home today. Probably with Criss Angel on top of it, using they guy's rigormortis stiffened limbs to mini van himself. Needless to say, I won't be stoping.
Get totally fuckin mini vanned.
Doctor, much more regular today than yesterday
I don't even know where to start this post. I hit the jenkem balloon after my ride home, and since then several revelations from our lord Energor have come to light.
ReplyDeleteFirstly I have to say that Mrs Doctor, in spite of being a vegetarian, made me some delicious baked ziti the other day and not only has it produced hilarious amounts of pungent gases, but some fine jenkem ingredients as well. My two liter runneth over.
Secondly the last hour and half of the tour was amazing today. This is the first time I have set out to watch at least the last half of each stage. Yesterday was a sleeper except the finish. Today's was great. I still think Contador is going to win this tour. Froome's team are dropping like flies. Today it looked a little like he might have blown his wad already.
Last night I, for some unknown reason watched Top Gun. My god what an amazing movie. Tom Cruise might be a bigger douche bag than John Travolta. I am on a highway to the danger zone.
Back to the revelations from Energor. I was looking at some of the old posts on this blorg. I found one from july of 2010 that has 43 comments. Aside from the first four or five the rest are all duty reports. There is even a rare duty report from Nico Toscani. The rest of the entire bunch is a detailed and highly graphic dialogue between C-Dorbs and C"rot"ch. As I scrolled through the bunch catching a random line or two out of each comment I couldn't contain myself. I was laughing so hard Mrs. Doctor thought something might be wrong with me. We have collectively written thousands of words, if not a thousand pages, entirely about shit.
a line or two that caught my eye:
"by the way I did a couple of crop dustings in the office and then on the subway ride home before mounting the throne and unleashing a major pile of destruction." -C-Dubbs
Coach responds:
"BTW is it really considered to be crop dusting if you are on the subway, and the regular smell of the subway drowns out your fresh jenkem gas"
Another Coach gem that caught my eye:
"It definitely put the turd in sturdy"
Numerous examples of such genius can be found throughout the infertubes. C-Dubbs improving the lyrics of On top of Old Smoky. Several other poems, duty reports, and other highly intellectual reading. It really is quite impressive. Most people probably won't produce this volume of writing in a lifetime and we have done it in a 5 year span. Energor would be quite pleased. We really should seek out a publisher. With the shit you see on tv and in print today, surely we can do something with a work of this size. Maybe a cartoon or something.
Well I am off today and plan to spend a fair amount of time perched high atop mt kohler. Inhaling jenkem and producing more ingredients for future jenkem benders. My yard is full of two liters, jars, and various other containers with balloons affixed. Fermenting in the summer sun. Praise Energor and may you not incur any Spelling Splashback.
Go mini van yourself. Hard.
Doctor
Fuckin regular guy
Doktor, I think you are right on track with your hard-hitting take on the current TdF situation. Now that Contador's clenobuterol supply is no longer available, it is all the more impressive that he and his team are making a go at it. But since you can not succeed in this race without some sort of controlled, performance enhancing substance, I believe that there is something else coarsing through his veins. And lungs. Something natural, which can not be tested for just yet. Of course, I'm talking about the butthash. The shit from crack pipe. The sweet jenk. Beyond the doping control agents smelling their breaths and checking for stinky shit, it is pretty undetectable. It elevates the athlete above the pain, onto the ethereal euphoric plains of Zambia, where the street children will pull your ass up the mountain. Now in other news, the other day I saw "West Side Story" for the first time since high school. I missed this little gem the first around, but tthis time I felt I was the only person around me in this big crowd who was laughing when Maria told Tony, who was planning on paying her a vist at work the next day, "If you're going to come, use the back door." After 10 seconds or so, Mrs C"rot"ch understood why I was laughing and proceeded to laugh as well. I'm pretty sure I married the right person. -CFR
ReplyDeleteI agree that jenkem doping is widespread in the tour this year, especially after watching froome bend over all the other riders today. His jenkem fueled climb was amazing. I am fairly certain I have figured out how sky is doing it. I believe that their superior performance is due to superior jenkem. Energor has revealed to me in a vision that the Sky Jenkem is being produced by none other than Kansas City, Mo resident Randy Santel, also known as Atlas.
ReplyDeleteRandy is a professional eater. At 6 feet 5 inches and 250lbs, Randy demolishes food challenges at eating establishments all over the mid-west, even venturing to London England for a few. There are many youtube videos documenting his exploits. Crushing challenges that often consist of 7lbs or more of food. For example, one of my favorite burger challenges dominated by mr Santel includes the following:
4 hamburger patties weighing 1 pound each, 16 slices of bacon, 16 slices of cheese, a massive bun, and, of course, 2 pounds of french fries.
In another challenge Atlas consumes 53 sushi rolls (about $250 value) in under two minutes. He eats like a vacuum cleaner. A mere two hours later he pops into another restaurant and enjoys a 5 pound deli sandwich with a variety of meats, cheeses, and condom mints.
Now imagine if you will, a shit produced by eating 5 to 7 pounds of anything. It is going to be an amazing toilet bowl ride. For the sake of science, we will just call it seven pounds. By the time the food has reached Randy's asshole, it will have been broken down somewhat, and after you factor in water loss, you will probably be left with around 5 pounds of stinking rotten shit. Shit of all shapes and sizes. I would imagine that it would be a combination of nuggets, logs, and liquid with some undigested bits making their way into the mix.
Now imagine the jenkem that this extremely rare pile of turds would produce. It would be highly potent. Science has shown that the calorie content of a meal is directly proportional to the potency of the jenkem that can be produced. For shits of this magnitude you will need something larger than a two-liter, perhaps a five gallon bucket. The gases would likely be captured in a trash bag, as a balloon would be too small to fit the mouth of the bucket. If found on the team bus, a stinky trash bag can be more easily explained than a bunch of balloons that reek of shit. If your riders inhale jenkem of this quality before a stage they will be nearly unstoppable. This explains why Contador, who is getting his jenkem from that Vietnamese kid that can eat 55 hot dogs, could not hang with Froome at the top of the climb.
ReplyDeleteI have to assume that samples from this years doping controls are being frozen for future analyses. Ten years from now we may well be watching Froome and Contador simultaneously cry on Oprah's sweaty, bloated, fat roll shoulder when the test for jenkem is finally available and they are found out. Doping isn't on the decline in the peleton, it is on the rise, and getting shittier every day.
As for Quintana, his jenkem is being supplied by Colombian street children, who are considered to be second only to the Zambians in jenkem production. However the jenkem produced by starving children is no match for the jenkem produced by the master, Randy Santel. Although I wouldn't be surprised to see master Steven enter the jenkem ring soon. At 6 foot 7 and 400lbs, and with his popularity shifting from straight to dvd to straight to VHS, he will have no other choice. Then maybe we will have true rivalry at the tour. Until then, and with the help of Randy Santel, Froome will continue to dominate the world tour.
I too believe that you have done well in the marriage dept. C"rot"ch, as your touching story clearly illustrates. It takes a strong woman to handle the Croatch Jenk.
I am now off to huff a very special jenkem made from 16 scoops of ice cream and two pounds of fries. I am certain that my communion with Energor will produce more insight into the tour, and lung butter in general.
Good day, and may Energor mini van you thoroughly.
Doctor
( My comment was so long that it had to be published in two parts)
G'day UnaDoctor and company! I come to you today, from the sister peak of Mt Ventoux, Mt. Vent-poo! For today, I went out into my vineyard-esque jenkem farm where I have rows and rows of 2 liter bottles with baloon tops on a very picturesque slope in the small Zambian hamlet of Turdeaux, France. A long time ago there was a mini-exodus from Zambia, after their fascist ATF equivalent Started "cracking" down on the rapidly growing butthash industry. Finding the edge of the Alps to be a prime spot for the production of their most beloved of intoxicating gases, this hamlet has grown to be a somewhat of an incubator of jenkem technology - a real Dutch oven, if you will. So the wife and I bought some land on the base of the slopes of Mt. Vent-poo, where our little jenkem farm has really started to take off. As it turns out, the French really do love all things smelly: cheese, hairy armpits, nasty stinky unkempt vaginas, and, thankfully, that sweet jenkem. And being in the hotbed of jenkem innovation, we get to really try out some cool things, like mixing all kinds of poo, letting poo age in the sun for a little while before putting in the fermentation bottles, things like that. It's a real joy to see the thing you love turn into something that is so enjoyable to so many people. We had set up some tents just around the corner where the Tour went past on today's stage as the prepared to ascend Mt. Ventoux, and we were able to really grow interest in our product. There was a whole "sample huffing tent" which was really like a stinky sauna, and even handed our little sample balloons that people could then take up the mountain as they waited for their favorite riders. I have high hopes that our sponsored rider, Chris Poo-m will be able to stretch out his lead to his biggest competitor, Alberto Con-turd-or, who is sponsored by a competitor down the road from us. Fortunately, our man is on a highly classified model of the innovative Jenkem Cycles brand. Word is that it might be the rumored "Pooperfly" that was leaked a few months ago, but company officials are being tight lipped. That's it for now, I have to go do some random huff-tests to check the quality of the next batch that we will be releasing in the next few days. It is going to have hints of Limburger cheese mixed in with lots of shit, and lots more pee.
ReplyDeleteWell, it has certainly been some time since I, the PunchOr of Cock, have given a deuce detail. However, today was quite special, for the normal altitude for the summit of Mt. Kohler is roughly 639 feet above sea level for my abode. Today, however, I had the distinct pleasure of perching atop the mountain at roughly 32, 000 feet. Yes, plane pooping. It doesn't get any better than blowing one's colon in a room roughly the size of a PBR tall boy.
ReplyDeleteThe odor that those poor stewardesses had to endure for the remainder of the flight was horrific, as the night prior I dined on Cuban Beef Picadillo with what is usually the ultimate bonding agent....rice. in this case, though, I believe the copious amount of jalepeno peppers over-powered the rice and created a very, VERY loose stool. I mean, I could have shit through a whisk broom and not hit a straw.
The plastic bowl was splattered with such force that the small chunks would not be torn free even by the onslaught of the deep blue airplane chemical bath that attempted to flush them away.
I have to admit a certain sense of pride was evident upon my departure from the tiny throne room. Fellow passengers looked at me with disgust....adding to my jenkem-induced euphoria.
Mini van you all.....
Ahhh, the Great Punchor of Cocks. You fucking jerk. I can't imagine a better jenkem hotbox than an airplane bathroom. Giving the stewardess the old cuban beef. Beautiful. I like the visual of a shit mist flying through the straws in a broom.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of shit mist, I was somewhat expecting a similar scenario this morning because I made tacos again last night. As you can tell from my earlier duty report, the first post of my blog within my own blog, this produced much excitement last time. Today would prove exciting all right, but in a totally different way. It was so different that I in fact forgot to shit before I left the house today. I don't know how this happened, but it did. I was informed of this by my colon about 5 minutes into my 20 minute ride to work. My chocolate hostage was knocking hard on the backdoor. Damn near kicked it down. I clinched tight and pushed hard on the saddle to push the gopher back into the hole, and praise energor I made it to work without soiling my cut offs.
Interestingly enough when I got to the shop the knocking stopped. We wheeled all the bikes out and I went about doing repairs without even a thought of the urgent sensations during my ride in. It was until about 1 in the afternoon that this crossed my mind. I went in and double checked my shorts to make sure I hadn't shit my self thereby explaining the disappearance of the urges to drop a J Bomb in the mouth of the mountain. No turds rolling around in the pants, so they must still be rolling around the gut. I roped up and climbed to the summit of Mt. Kohler. Instead of the shit shotgun jenkem mist that I expected I was blessed with a 12" long log. The ends, which were now broken off, had been bent a little prior to plopping out. There was a corkscrew sort of feeling as it snaked out into the bowl. I am wondering if this is the result of smashing the gopher, apparently very hard, back into the depths of my gut. Only Energor will ever know for sure. At any rate I am building a tolerance to habaneros quite rapidly. Maybe one day I will snort one on you tube. My mother would be so proud.
GTMV
Doctor
My god it is alive and this comments section is well on it's way to becoming the new best seller for jenkem induced thoughts.
ReplyDeleteEl Doctor, you tales of habenero induced flaming bombing runs is pure genius but one has to know - does the jenkem have that spicy after smell that one associates with fine Mexican't establishments?
Beautiful orange pepper
Searing hot jenkem
Courtesy flush to survive
Coach I plan on another fine appearence at Burnin' and I can also assure you that I am growing my fine taint hairs to maximum length and will attach fish hooks in an attempt to snare the elusive Council Bluff Outhouse Guppy from the outhouse. I have to put my two cents in on the tour
Pissed on
Pissed off
Green with Sagan envy
Punchor, truly a delightful tail of multi-mile high bowl splattering pleasure. Did the resulting clouds of Jenkem cause the oxygen masks to open and more importantly after inhaling the sweet smell of success did the stewardess hit on you for a date?
Altitude induced explsion
Chunks splattered everywhere
Stews high on Puchor
As for my tales of underpants whack-a-mole I believe the altitude of the recent mission to the high sierras has caused a short circut in my system. Rather than having the traditional post non race pile of shredded beef in the bowl Mt Kohler has been inundated with stout well rounded logs, but not the 12 inchers I am reading about but rather a series of smaller logs, almost like the asshole gnome has put on his lumberjack shirt and decided to cut up the fallen tree to a length that will fit in the fireplace......Hmmmmm maybe I should burn one of these fellas and see if that is the jenkem equivalent of chasing the oxy dragon.
One has to understand just what the past 1 1/2 years have been like with out an outlet for our jenkem induced observations of the world. Got the good Dr's text about this post on the way to work and I had to squeeze the cheeks together the entire subway ride to keep that old turtle from poking it's head out. Finally at the office I damn near blew the metal door off it's hinges as my Sierra tattered taint let go and provided what can only be described as either a curled up sausage or very brown cinnamon bun. So proud was I of this fine piece of anal art that I left it for the entire corporation to enjoy. PRAISE ENEGOR!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my Energor, it's Mr. Dubbs. It has been to long since our jenkem fueled hijinks have been shared with the entire inturdtubes. I am so glad to know that you are jenkem bombing your office. Does this signal a market upturn? Hopefully the lumber jack manages to kill that turtle. Praise Energor!!!! Oh, and yes the Hananero Jenkem is truly a spicy one. Brace yourself before you take a ripper of this stuff, it really burns the nostrils.
ReplyDeleteIn other quick news as I actually have to do some work today, I have confirmation from sources within the peleton that Jenkem doping is rampant. As printed on Cycling News:
Between one snort of Stilnox and the next, on their private clouds of addled euphoria, teammates at Cofidis used to mutter to each other that Frank Vandenbroucke and Philippe Gaumont were both headed for an early grave
This goes to show that even teams that aren't doing very well are up to their eyeballs in jenkem. I guess teh Euro-pros are referring to it as Stilnox. Clouds off Euphoria indeed.
Further proof exists. Just look at what happened to Peraud. So high on the Jenk while checking out the course that he crashed in a corner and breaks his collarbone. The broken bone was no match for the euphoria produced by the lung butter. He sets off to do the time trial anyway, and is so high he crashes in the same damn corner. If that isn't evidence of Jenkem doping I don't know what is.
GTMV
Doctor
Double dose of lung butter
ReplyDeleteDouble dose of broken bone
Teary eyed Frenchman quits
http://www.anus.com/etc/jenkem/
ReplyDeleteClouds of Jenkem might just have to start marketing a jenkem water bottle. If fact we should ride with them at Burnin'
ReplyDeleteAgreed. It would be great if it looked like the one from the paintings on anus.com. Yellow, balloon shaped lids. Fuck yeah.
ReplyDeleteAfter today I am going to have to say that Cunturdor is not going to win the tour. The jenkem he is getting from the vietnamese hotdog eating kid is no match for the jenkem team sky is getting from Randy Santel. Apparently the Colombian street children produce some very powerful jenkem. Quintainta is going to be a rider to watch, as is Dick Porte.
My own jenkem doping program is in full swing and working well. I won't be riding the Tour or anything, but I think my strategy of getting really drunk and eating a lot for about two weeks has really paid off. I gained about 7 pounds during this time, and produced some amazing jenkem ingredients which are just now reaching their maximum fermented potency. I have started just getting in some commutes (about 12 mtb miles round trip). Before I leave for my rides I take a huge ripper of the brown dragon, and then settle into a nice pace. The fat I have gained should turn to muscle in theory, the Jenkem expanding my mental and lung capacity. I am about to start throwing in some longer mountain bike rides here and there and maybe double my jenkem intake. This will all come in handy in mid October. I can't wait to put a trash bag over the council bluff outhouse toilet and catch the vapors, made more potent by that damn outhouse guppy. Hopefully Dubbs catches the guppy so we can fillet and eat it before the race. Praise Energor.
I leave you with a tour ku
Cunturdor is cracking
Quintainta climbs high
Dick Porte rides the brown dragon
This morning I awoke to a couple of amazing things. Cunturdor failed to even make the podium at this years turd' e France, getting absolutely bitch slapped by RODriguez and Quintainta. Next year's turd should be a great rivalry. Secondly, I took one of the biggest shits of recent times immediately after the race.
ReplyDeleteLast night I consumed an entire paul newman pepperoni pizza which may have had something to do with the mountain of shit I rose from the throne to behold. Some fine jenkem precursor indeed. I immediately set about carefully lifting each nugget out of the bowl and placing them in my golden two liter reserved for only the finest batches of lung butter. nearly three pounds by my calculations.
Fuck you,
Doctor.
I have some news. Having gone to my jenk-friendly doctor the other day, he ran some tests and told me that I have come down with the dreaded brown lung. It is similar to the black lung that coal miners get, however instead of coal dust, the brown lung is caused by copious amounts of poo-particles huffed and inhaled over time. And since my discovery of the butthash so many years ago, my body has Ingested and filtered more fecal matter than the New York City sewage treatment system. That being said, like an 80 year old smoker with lung cancer, I ain't gonna give this shit up now. Gonna see it through this brown fog and push on to the euphoric plains of Zambia.
ReplyDeleteI felt bad for Conturdor, as I had high hopes for him. Almost as high as that which I felt in my own personal jenkem chamber known as my bathroom here at Casa del C"rot"ch. In fact, it won't be long before I put this coffee to good use and dispense a soft-serve waffle cone that would make any chocoholic drool.
Good luck with that brown lung Crotch. I admire your dedication to getting high on sewage, you are a true champion of the ethereal plains of the jenkemshpere.
ReplyDeleteI too was rooting for Cunturdor, and was a bit surprised he wasn't able to at least mix it up a bit more. As soon as Poome and Quintainta dropped the hammer it was all over. Even though Poome won, I think Quintainta was the most exciting to watch. If his time trailing was little more solid he might have won the turd'e france. Not bad for a first crack at it.
Anyway, I was listening to Ween while writing this post and Energor blessed me with a vision, rewriting part of "Got to Put the Hammer Down" in my brain thinkings.
"I was strung out on a jenkem kick,
With the cops and the government on my Dick
I was looking out the window for the FBI
With a balloon and two liter just tryin to get high
The brown lung residue on my hands
Every 25 seconds I make thirty five grand
cause
I got to put the hammer down down down down down"
Thank you and get totally fucked.
Doctor
Doctor, a wordsmith if nothing else. Well, a wordsmith and a butthash fiend. You mother fucker. And let us not forget C-Dorbbs. If there was ever a "crack"-addict more crazed, I've yet to meet them.
ReplyDeleteNot long ago I grabbed my hiking boots and walking stick, for a quick afternoon ascent of Mt. Kohler. The moment my two cheeks plopped down on my porcelain turd catcher, it flowed out of me like edamame beans out of their little pod. The only downside was the rather lengthy clean-up procedure, which gave me time to savor the subtle nuances of my fresh-from-the-source jenkem fuel. I caught waves of buffalo sauce from last nights homemade wing wraps, plus 3 Michelobs.
Doctor, I hope those floods in Arizona do not wash away your jenkem farm. I wish you the best of luck. Energor speed, soldier.
Ah I fully intend to do a bit of outhouse diving on the grounds of Council Bluff and bob for guppies. And in further preparation for the ass alt on CB I have turned my own throne room into a combination jenkem/hyperbaric chamber so I can get the benefits of some brown lung butter while forcing my red blood cells to increase their carrying power. Man I am gonna be so high on altitude and jenkem I shall slaughter the entire field.
ReplyDeleteCoach there is nothing quiet like getting you face right down by that bowl as the skid mark brush does it's work. Many a time I have had to grab the tank and steady myself from the fresh jenkem rush. Sadly I have not been up to my usual bowl filling escapades, your tales of conquest atop Mt Kohler make my colon hurt.
inspirational verbiage
ReplyDeleteearly morning coffee
massive tube set
And further to this mornings wee hour bombing run of Mt Kohler there was even moar inspiration from the fine ditties of Coach and Doctor, so fine that I was able to step up to the throne and bat out another monumental homerun. But rather than the predawn tube set extrusion this was simply a pile of shredded bbq pork on a bun and the jenkem release was so powerful that I stumbled into the kitchen, knocked a glass off the counter and shattering it into a million pieces. Standing there barefoot and bare assed naked the old lady had to run the jenkem gauntlet to get the vacumn and clean up my mess in the bowl and kitchen. God it feels good to be a regular guy again, and to think I owe it all to the writings of this blog.
ReplyDeleteC-Dorbbs, I am glad to hear that your "John McLain-Die Hard broken glass" moment transpired without a trip to the emergency room for prompt glass-extraction. You need those feet in prime condition if you are going to be able to reliably carry yourself to and from the jenkem-chambers of the Council Bluff campground. I don't like the thought of you unable to leave the jenkem chamber, lest you risk lung-butter overdose. I'm not sure where an jenkem OD would take you, but there is no doubt that your breath would be forever shitty.
ReplyDeleteAt this moment, I am sitting here awaiting a deeply-buried payload to be released, dislodged, and carefully placed atop Mt. Kohler. I've ingested much coffee, yet it has not broken anything free yet. Curious. Almost worrisome. Ah, if only Robort were here - he'd help me ride the Cleveland Steamer down the Jenkem River.
My ass releases stench
When Miss Crotch catches a whiff
She's none too happy
Viscous poo ferments
Euphoric Reminiscing
Thank you, Zambians
-CFR
So many jen-kus I don't know what to do.
ReplyDeletemaybe I'll leave my own.
golden two liter
sun shining
the balloon grows
I am still experiencing unnatural levels of excitement following the turd'e france. I have decided that a turd'e Zambia needs to be held. The only doping control will be to make sure you have inhaled jenkem before each stage. just a simple breath test. Take all the EPO you want, no holds barred. Now that's racing.
Nothing better to motivate you up the climbs than dead relatives floating up the hill beside you giving shouts of encouragement, euphoria, and times past. Energor Speed, and don't let anybody hit you where our good lord split you. In other words, get totally mini vanned.
Doctor "Shit Shotgun" McLaren
bluff jenkem chamber
ReplyDeleteleaden feet buried
brown lung brain, euphoria
I just got back from reminiscing (actually reminiscing this time) about comments and posts past, in Doctor's old blorg, lorcated within the comments section of Roborts blorg. I came across the mentioning of one "Turd Reagan", a sort of Republican turd monster that was waiting to be fully birthed from deep within the poo-vortex of Doctor's colon. I would like to hear to hear of the final resting place of Turd Reagan.
ReplyDeleteBtw, Dubbs, since New York is such a huge.town encompassing many ethnic areas like Chinatown and little Italy and whatnot, have you heard of any Little Zambia areas of New York? Because if so, you may in fact be able to see real live Zambian street children scurrying around those streets, getting high as fuck on their own lung butter.
In other news, you'll notice that my time-stamp on this comment is that early morning. This is because I awoke after only a few hours of sleep, with the sleepy realization that I was about to set free my own turd president. I ran to the toilet, only to have a greasy egg-fueled log slide out of my turd-cutter. I now hope to rest more easily, without weird dreams being influenced by the abundance of jenkem fuel in my system. Good night, and fuck you.
Well my good friends those young Zambian children are rather busy here in the Big Apple. The jenkem production facilities are located under near the garbage barge loading facility on the Upper East Side. Apparently the fumes of rotting vegetables provides ideal cover for the exhaled fumes of the fine lung butter. Those UES residents are rather upset with a sudden increase in Upper Deckers occurring in the local bars and restaurants, the theft of hubcaps, sudden increase of squeegee youth at the stop lights and of course all those empty jenkem bottles and balloons littering the streets.
ReplyDeleteMyself I find that the left over vapors have inspired my dark star to extrude some of the finest tube sets Jenkem Cycles has ever seem. If fact at 4am this morning there was a loud rumble, one that would normally be associated with a thunderstorm only this one was a taint storm.
Perched at the infamous mountain I avoided the feared Spelling Splashback as my taint extruding machine put out a set of chainstays that would rival the finest hydrofoamed sets top manufacturers make.
With the sun rising it is time for me to milk a few gallons of yak semen out of the heard so I can Yak up my tubeless wheel set.
I found this to be very interesting reading and also provides some insight into the influence our Punchor of Cocks is having on the current generation of youth.
ReplyDeletehttp://willbarnesonline.com/wordpress/2010/12/06/stupid-shit-the-kids-of-today-are-doing/
I will have to do a little reminiscing to remember where turd reagan was finally extruded into a downtube and laid to rest. maybe a little lung butter will help.
ReplyDeleteIt is good to hear that little Zambia is a thriving hotbed of activity. The city that never sleeps indeed. It is also good to hear that someone else is using yak semen instead of stan's. It's a little sticky, but talk about puncture protection. Rumor has it a longer lasting formula made from humming bird semen is on the horizon, although it will be expensive due to the difficulty involved in harvesting humming bird semen.
I found your link to be highly informative Mr. Dorbs. It also kind of ties in to a new method of ingesting jenkem that I have been experimenting with, Jenkem Eyeballing. So far I have found that it works fairly well, but I have a wicked case of pink eye right now, both eyes. In all my years of being a Doctor I have nevar seen such a bad case of pink eye. I will keep experimenting, but the link gave me a couple new ideas, the jenkem anal bong, and shoving a jenkem soaked tampon up my ass. I wonder if fermenting the shit and putting it back where it came from will have any effect. As a medical professional, I would suspect that this method will enhance the effects of inhaled jenkem, but will not be a stand alone method. BTW Cockpunchor's numbers are looking pretty good according to the article. Chapeau good sir!!
In other news, a good friend and fellow cyclist who has been doing extremely well in the jenkem trade has gifted your doctor a set of specialized's new hookless carbon wheels. I will receive them on Monday and will promptly hit the balloon and take them for a test ride and provide a review, possibly even a new post so as to provide photographic evidence. Praise Energor.
Roval Doctor!!!!!
Are you sure it isn't a case of stink eye rather than pink eye? Maybe this year we can get Scooter really drunk (as opposed to drunken stupor) and get him to do a anal beer bong which should be administered at the door to the CB jenkem production facility. In fact we could be onto a new and fantastic product, better then Stan's or Yak/Hummingbird semen - Jenkem juice!
ReplyDeleteAnd here is some fantastic Jenkem pictures, I love the "Got Jenkem" shot, perhaps our team logo for Burnin'
ReplyDeletehttps://www.google.com/search?q=zambian+children+jenkem&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=q2HxUeDmJY3A9gTGmICYAg&ved=0CDwQsAQ&biw=1264&bih=856
I believe that my eye condition qualifies as both stink eye and pink eye, or stinky pink eye. I did get really high on the brown dragon from my eyeball experience, I mean really high. High as fuck. The got jenkem pic is great as is the original, the kid all the way to the right of the same row. Yes, he is the young boy from florida who brought jenkem to the states, or at least made first contact with the Zambian refugees. As for tire sealant, why not just use jenkem. Once the gasses have been huffed, the leftover material in the two liter should immediately be added to the tire. The two liter can then be reused, making your jenkem addiction green in more ways than one. Speaking of I have a balloon about to pop in the parking lot here at the shop. I am going to rip some lung butter. Fuck you all.
ReplyDeleteDoctor Lung Butter
And what makes Jenkem better than yak or hummingbird semen sealer is the expanding gas properties. Never again will you have a flat or care if you get one (hell just huff on the leak in tire and you'll get so high you won't care.
ReplyDeleteRight now I have a turtle that wants to come out and play but I am in a dilemma, the office stalls are heavily used and not really clean. Do I grin and bare it or do I risk the proverbial taint explosion as I penguin waddle home to Mt Kohler? Thus I bring you this jenkem-ku -
Office turtle has awaken
Dirty toilet dilemma
Drop now or waddle home later
Doctor - your extrapolation of jenkem and anal beer bongs into anal jenkem bongs blew my fucking mind. It's like the circle of life for a turd - I can hear smEllton John singing right now, about the circle life and reusing my own turds to get high inside my own ass. This is one of those turning points - like when the bike industry introduced "sti" style shifting. Total game changer. Or like when I sat my ass down to drop some jenkem fuel out of my ass into the porcelain mouth, and first got to use wet wipes for cleaning procedures. Changed the ass-wiping game forever.
ReplyDeleteThis idea of using other mucus membranes to get high as fuck has me thinking of another idea - the idea that Goldschlager liquor has been using for a while. Supposedly their little gold flakes floating around in the liquor gives you tiny little cuts on your lips that you can't feel but allows you to get drunk faster. I believe that this same methodology can be employed to get high as fuck with our jenkem. If we add gold flakes into the balloon gas, it might give us tiny little cuts in our lungs, allowing our lungs to become infused wit hat most precious butter even quicker' for a more efficient high.Dorbbs, you could even employ gold paint in your Jenkem Cycles tube sets.
Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to try and hook up and intraveneous jenkem drip/puff directly to my lungs. Either via gas mask, or somehow infuse it into a liquid that can be injected into my veins. the only problem will be the track marks - and I don't want people to think I'm an addict. At least, not a heroin addict. If it doesn't work, i'll just finish off the last few pulls from a big Mylar balloon that I got ripped off of last night. It says "happy birthday" on the balloon - it isn't my birthday, but I'm sure it is someone's birthday somewhere, so I better celebrate it. Good luck with your pink/brown eye, doctor.
Big tri was today
ReplyDeleteUnexpected explosion
Threw that saddle out
Japanese girlfriend
I've become her businessman
Toilet sits idle
Well to those of you that are concerned with our efforts to perfect the absobtion of jenkem I am proud to report that I have devised yet another superior method to achieve a superior state of mind.
ReplyDeleteYou recall my tales from the office and it's subsequent jenkem-ku, I am happy to report that I did manage to penguin walk my way home but not before discovering some of the secrets of NYC. As you can image (and knowing this crew, have experienced) the build up of pressure associated with holding that turtle back actually has a exponetial component to it. First though I am glad to report that the Zambian youth of NYC have taken up refuge in the subway tunnels of our fine city and have decided to unionize - Jenkem Brewers Local 420.
On my subway ride to the summit of Mt Kohler, the resulting pressure build up from holding the payload in check for the better part of the day meant my fellow travelers received an added boneass of a mellow high from the prodigious releases from the hollowed halls of my colon. At one point the lights went out we came to a halt mid tunnel, well the bouquet of such well fermented gases brought out those industrious little Zambian boys (along with Criss Angel wearing a "Free Zambian Boys" tshirt) from the production facilities deep within the bowels (not ass bowels but tunnel bowels) of the big apple. Their well refined noses were able to seek out what the explorers of the river Nile never did find - the source of such greatness. These crafty little youths did not beg for coins but instead tried to kidnap me into the same slavery as Cleveland's outstanding citizen Mr. Castro, only their interst in me was for production, not reproduction, purposes.
Simply burying their faces in my ass, letting some well fermented ass gas out left them all in a daze and I was able to make my way home to the summit of Mt Kohler which brings me back to the beginning of this tale.
That all day hold back not only produced one of my finest tube sets along with the traditional pile of shredded beef it also as led to jenkem's equivalent of crack - a cheap fast high.
Apparently the result of holding back for so long allowed the fermentation process to begin deep within my core and once situated on top of the bowl the release into the seas below, combined with the golden showers that Criss Angel so craves caused an instantaneous chemcial reaction. With ass cheeks firmly planeted on the bowl it almost the equivalent of a ballon on the bottle. By bending forward and basically shoving my face into the small opening at the front of the rim I attained a rush like no other and promptly fell face first onto the floor in a jenkem high more intense then any I had experienced but sadly this fermentation process produces a jenkem with a half life of less then 5 minutes.
New fermentation process
ReplyDeleteCheap fast high
Visions of Zambian boys
I am very glad to hear of the innovation that has been pouring, flowing, shitting out of New York recently. The great thing about these Zambian street children in New York is that you don't have to worry about them stealing any of your shit. Because they lirally do not need any money to get their high - they simply shit into the nearest container they can find. Would it be possible to mix this fresh-from-the-butthole sewage with pure New York City river water for a magic hybrid? Dorbbs, I've heard mythical stories of New York City river sewage, so perhaps we can gain some height for your experience.
ReplyDeleteThe worst sewage we get in St. Louis is flowing down the River Des Peres, which can really stink like a freshly open balloon on a hot day. In fact, if the sun is bright enough on a hot day, I can start hallucinating unexpectedly while riding past that river. I'll be riding along, only to suddenly have be sent on a vision quest involving Tales from the Book of Penesis, the Gospel of Energor. I'll wake up feeling slightly euphoric, but with my pants down and a pile of shredded bison (Missouri is bison country) next to my disgusting asshole. Fuck you
I am highly impressed with the level of innovation that is bursting forth from the revived cult of jenkem cycles. Culture too. The Japanese businessman-ku/tri-ku double (upper)decker really had the tears streaming. Mrs Doctor thinks that this is your best poem yet Crotch.
ReplyDeleteWhile I have nevar been to New York, or seen the queen in her danged undies, I have ridden past River De' Poo a number of times. In fact that was my first experience unintentionally huffing jenkem (the council bluff outhouse my second) And I feel your Euphoria. I would expect that as more Zambian street children occupy our country, some will migrate to the River De' Poo to set up refugee camps, some might even make the pilgrimage to Casa De Crotch, home of the most potent shredded bison in south city, where they will find Crotch, ruling from his throne while reading aloud passages from the Book Of Penises. Unless, of course, C-dubbs manages to enslave the Zambian children with his ass gasses. I am sure they would love to have access to the jenkem goldmine in your office bathroom. I hope you both take precautions, as Criss Angel will likely be with the Zambian street children when they arrive. They have taken him in, literally and figuratively.
As for more efficient jenkem production/usage, I am excited about the whoa, hang on. The turtle is coming out. Be right back...Ok sorry about that. Mrs Doctor gave me a cup of coffee a minute ago and it had it's usual effect, almost instantly. As I was saying, the ideas being tossed around here are going to change the way we experience the brown dragon. Imagine if we used Dubbs internal fermentation method, keeping the turtle in the cage for a long time, maybe a week or so. Now add these internally pre-fermented ingredients to the two liter. After a week or so of sun light you should have a nice tight balloon full of that silky smooth butt hash. Now before you inhale that badboy, grab your anal beer bong, insert. Now you are ready to simultaneously inhale the vapors and put the turtle back in the cage. This should be the most profound jenkem experience possible with current technology. Who knows what advances will be possible with the knowledge gained from these vision quests. Humans might even evolve to have a second stomach, like a cow, in which to preferment the brown gold. Maybe a second butthole, one going in, one coming out. Only time will tell.
Get totally fucked.
Doctor
My god, I have to congratulate the Doctor on his ability to continue such a lucid train of thought despite an emergency expedition to the summit of the mighty white mountain. Additionally we seemed to have reached a level of superior knowledge that was never apparent on the great Robotion comment section (and by the way we are quickly approaching the magic number to surpass that blorg and become the most commented post in blorg history.
ReplyDeleteI noticed that we are edging towards 50 pretty quickly. For the record, I really did make a doodie during my last post. Mid-sentence even.
ReplyDeleteI got to thinking about human evolution after my last post too. What if evolving to have an in butthole as well as an out butthole leads to the evolution of even more buttholes? Would the human brain grow in size relative to the number of buttholes a person had? Theoretically, the more insight one gained from Energor due to the visions obtained by ever greater amounts of jenkem taken in, the smarter one would become. More brain size would be needed to house the greater amount of activity. More synapses to transmit the Gospel of Energor. Is jenkem how we evolve into alien greys, which some contend our our future selves time traveling back to see their origins? Only time and huffing more shit will tell. On that note I am going to ride teh brown dragon back to the cabin to continue my jenkem goggled meditation.
Doctor
My god how great minds (and full colons) think alike. I almost wrote up my Zambian youth post while letting the office turtle go for a swim in Lake Kohler.
ReplyDeleteWith all of the ass/butt speak on this blorg I have altered my musical tastes and now listen exclusively to The Butthole Surfers.
Ah, the Butthole Surfers! How could we forget the patron band of butthash?
ReplyDeleteAll this talk about anal jenkem bongs has me thinking about another theory. Follow me on this train of thought. So, many bakeries carry a "mother dough" where they keep a bucket or a large glob of dough which they are always adding to/taking from when starting their next batch of bread. That way, they keep the same old strain of yeast from when the place opened a long time ago, therefore getting consistency in their bread tastes. Now, in the same vein, I believe that we can reach the same effect by continually re-inserting our fermented jenkem sludge back into our own assholes, where it will mix with the new stuff being created deep within our bowels. So when it finally emerges (whether it emerges like a turtle head or shredded beef matters not) it will theoretically be of the same strain over and over again, thus giving us consistent properties from huff to huff. Granted, sometimes it will be more or less potent, but there will be a connection to the past in the molecular and DNA make-up of our jenkem. So if you think about it, it this theory/practice is employed consistently, we could in theory see people in 100 years getting the same high, seeing the same visions, and having the same taste in their mouths as us. They would literally be forced to reminisce about times past, while at the same time feel ng extremely euphoric.
This had me wondering about another question. Have animals already figured out this whole getting-fucked-up-off-fermented-shit thing? Think about it, dogs al always roll ng around in dead shit and eating their own turds. Monkeys fling their poo at each other (possibly to share?) and hogs and cows love to waller in their own filth. This might be a sign that humans are actually behind the times in fecal fermentation. It is a good thing that we are stepping it up in the innovation department. Keep up the good work.
Japanese business
Great honor to eat fresh shit
I'm an investor
Butthole surfers is actually the only music I listen too. If I am in a country mood I might pop in Dale Doodie and the Outhouse Boys. Oh, I occasionally listen to Dark Star by the Grateful Dead, and just about any Japanese pop song. I am considering attending the Fuji Rock Festival.
ReplyDeleteI have often wondered if animals are ahead of us, in more than just the fermented shit arena. Think about it, they don't have jobs or bills. They just kind of lay around, eat, sleep, roll in shit, eat, sleep. Why the fuck am I getting up, going to work, bathing myself. It's ridiculous. My dog, Taco, is high on jenkem all the time. The only time she picks her head up is to go sniff a turd that has been fermenting in the yard for who knows how long.Then it's right back to her jenkem goggled meditations. Why can't I do that. I am forced to come out of the cloud and go to work, thereby cutting short my meditations at the feet of our lord Energor. What a world we live in.
Speaking of the world we live in, as I am writing this Mrs. Doctor is reading the local paper on her computator. I glanced over just in time to catch this headline: "Thief steals $100, defecates on floor." Apparently this occurred at a visual arts center downtown. I think this might be a sign that Zambian street children have actually made it all the way to Arizona. Who else would doo such a thing. I will keep an eye out. They may have already set up a camp in the woods between my house and the shop. I thought it smelled like shit the other day on my ride home, and I did make it up a climb that I didn't even think was possible on a single speed thursday evening. Maybe I got a jenkem contact high. That was even with my shitty metal stan's rims. Soooo outdated.
Doctor
Almost forgot my Jap-ku
ReplyDeleteSuit clean and pressed
briefcase full of documents
young girl throw up in my mouth
Was looking at a Pinarello Dogma whilst creating a tube set this morning, stood up, looked in the bowl, low and behold there's a jenkem cycles Dogma replica ready to be assembled.
Analponic, that can be the patented name of our finely aged anal jenkem.
ReplyDeleteI got some killer Analponic Butthash bro. Fuck yes indeed. I would like to congratulate Mr Dorbs for leaving the 50th comment, and on the day of MFXC 4 no less. In fact the race starts in a half hour, and I am sure the outhouse guppy is quite excited. As for me it looks like I'll be hittin some analponic butthash and watching a Criss Angel marathon as I try to distract myself from all the jerkery that is happening MO. May Energor be with us all in this time of greatness, and Criss Angel.
ReplyDeleteMeet someone new today, mini van the next stranger you see.
Doctor
I am going to be laughing for quite some time after having read Doctor's last Jap-Ku. Goddamn, it's funny because it's true.
ReplyDeleteTheir vending machines
They are stocked with used panties
Spooge onto skidmark.
In other news, please let it be known that this past weekend at the CB campground, I saw that there has been a new pit toilet constructed right next to the old one. It remains to be seen whether this will be simply to increase capacity, or to replace the old one. It is not open yet, but when it does, I will continue to use the old one, simply because the butthash high is so potent in the old one after decades of such a baked in haze.
-CFR
I am typing this on my smart phone as I sit atop Mt. Kohler, while poo nuggets are literally falling from my butthole. If only I could advertise this time to the Japanese businessmen, where they could pay me money for the opportunity to get shat on. It would be an income generator for me. Then I could sell them jenkem balloons as a moment.
ReplyDeleteI knew you would like my Jap-ku, yours is quite impressive as well. Well played. I can't imagine what council bluff would be like without the old toilet. It will take a new one years to reach the level of fermentation that the current one has. Nothing like a nice ripper of some lung butter before a ride. If they do open a new one we can all contribute to it's future potency. We can still use the old one to get high.
ReplyDeleteIn a previous comment I noted that a theft downtown sounded suspiciously like the work of Zambian street children. I have uncovered further evidence that there is a Zambian presence in Arizona, specifically in the Prescott national forest. I went for a ride yesterday afternoon and made a startling discovery. First as I rode along a secluded trail, I noticed a few yellow balloons, empty and smelling quite badly, scattered off the side of the trail. Then as I made my way farther out, I thought I spotted a large animal darting into a bush. I paused and waited to see if it was a javelina or mountain lion. As I waited a foul odor was on the breeze, and I noticed some rustling in another bush close by. Then out of the first bush came the brrrappp sound of rushing air and another tiny yellow balloon that smelled like shit. The creature then darted back into the woods. I went and looked in the bush, which smelled like big foot took a shit in it, and I discovered a two liter full of shredded Zebra and more balloons. I know it's the Zambians. I can feel their beady little eyes watching me as I ride through the woods. More to come as I investigate further. In the meantime a Jap-ku and Pro-ku.
I sleep in drawer
Young girl golden shower
Tokyo Steamer
Yukiya Arashiro
Peleton wants me behind
Shit stain chest
I guess the last one is both a pro and jap-ku. Look at me go.
May Energor Mini van your soul
Roval Doctor
Doctor, your only hope is to find one of these Prescott Forest Zambians, and become assimilated into their culture. Get them to accept you, learn your ways, much like Kevin Costner in Dances With Wolves. Then, you can come back, and teach us the ways of the old world.
ReplyDeleteEnergor be with you all
-CFR
It could be the even rarer Jenkemsquatch, a creature that only locates it's home near abusers of the lung butter.
ReplyDeleteOh give me a bowl where my asshole groans
ReplyDeleteWhere my nut sack and taint can play
Were seldom is heard a discouraging fart
And the Jenkem is fresh everyday
Home, Home on Mt Kohler
Where my nut sack and taint can play
Were seldom is heard a discouraging fart
And the Jenkem is fresh everyday
How often at night when my asshole's alight
With the vapors of spicy jenkem
Have sat there amazed, with my knob freshly glazed
If their glory hole is bigger than ours
Home, Home on Mt Kohler
Where my nut sack and taint can play
Were seldom is heard a discouraging fart
And the Jenkem is fresh everyday
Then give me a hand opening the jenkem dam
So the gases flow like a dream
Whene the yellow ballon inflates all day long And the contents provides a steady stream
Oh give me a bowl where my asshole groans
Where my nut sack and taint can play
Were seldom is heard a discouraging fart
And the Jenkem is fresh everyday
JENKEM NEWS BULLETIN
ReplyDeleteAt the Lusaka sewage ponds, two teenage boys plunge their hands into the dark brown sludge, gathering up fistfuls and stuffing it into small plastic bottles. They tap the bottles on the ground, taking care to leave enough room for methane to form at the top. A sour smell rises in the hot sun, but the boys seem oblivious to the stench and the foul nature of their task.
They are manufacturing "Jenkem", a disgusting, noxious mixture made from fermented sewage. It is cheap, potent and very popular among the thousands of street-children in Lusaka. When they cannot afford glue or are too scared to steal petrol, these youngsters turn to Jenkem as a way of getting high.
"It lasts about an hour", says one user, 16-year-old Luke Mpande, who prefers Jenkem to other substances.
"With glue, I just hear voices in my head. But with Jenkem, I see visions. I see my mother who is dead and I forget about the problems in my life."
Sniffing sewage is a symptom of the desperate plight of Zambia's street-children. There are thought to be some 75,000 in the country as a whole - a number that has doubled in the past eight years.
With the Aids epidemic affecting an estimated one in four adults in urban areas, and the government's harsh privatisation policies throwing thousands out of work, it is the children who have suffered the most.
Sikwanda Makono is an education specialist at the Ministry of Health. "Now that the economy is going down, we see more and more of our younger boys going into the streets.
"And girls too. If you drive around at night, you see very young girls looking for men, to merely get something to survive."
The children can also no longer rely on the extended family, once the backbone of African life. This traditional safety net is now on the verge of collapse.
Children are sent out onto the streets to earn a living, or treated cruelly by relatives already struggling to support their own families, or simply abandoned by parents, who cannot afford to feed and clothe them.
Victor Chinyama of the United Nations Children's Fund in Lusaka says it is imperative that the Zambian government gets to grips with this problem.
"So far, one doesn't get the feeling that this has been recognised as priority, or as a problem that needs to be nipped in the bud," he says.
"This problem is on the rise and the sooner it is dealt with, the better."
Substance-abuse offers a temporary respite in an otherwise harsh world.
Nobody knows exactly where the idea for making Jenkem came from, but it has been used by street-children in Lusaka for at least two years. Nason Banda of the Drug Enforcement Agency is not proud when he says that it is unique to Zambia. He shudders when he sees the boys at the sewage ponds, scavenging for faecal matter to make Jenkem.
"It's unimaginable" he says. "It hits right at the heart to see a human being coming down a level, to be able to dip his hand into a sewage pond, picking out the material and not caring about anything but the feeling of getting high."
my brains are dripping down my sleeve. I have to compose myself to even respond.
ReplyDeleteDubs, I can't believe what I just read. That sounded too authentic for the jenkem-addled brain of C-Dubs. So I had to google the starting line, and found that the BBC did indeed do a very thorough piece on our favorite topic! Now to all the naysayers who have said that this jenkem thing is a hoax, I say "get super-minvanned by a minivan being driven by Criss Angel himself!" Finally our craft of fermenting sewage and fecal matter can be seen as the legitimate art form and past-time that is truly is. As a celebration, I'm going to break open this old balloon that I have been letting age for almost as long as I've been huffing the butthash. I filled that particular bottle with a mixture of shit that I produced from a week of going to the carnival, 3 nights at the ballpark, and a doubleheader night of PF Changs and White Castle. I have long thought that ts particular balloon may be one of the most potent mixture I have ever produced, and have been
ReplyDeletecareful to save it for the proper occasion. I simply can not wait. I've told Mrs Crotch to lock the doors, and lock up all of the tools so that i don't hurt myself when I am locked in the basement. It's is going to be a rough couple of days - the thought of traveling through time.... Ooooofuckingweee. In fact, Dubs, since New York is further down the jet stream than St. Louis, you may notice aacouple of wafts of white castle sliders in the air.
My mind is completely useless.
As a matter of fact when I arose this morning there was a faint hint of old burger patty with a hint of PBR in it. I hope Mrs Crotch is still alive and god save that woman for being so supportive of a world class jenkem addict.
ReplyDeleteWhat was most interesting in the BBC report was the fact that glue only left voices in the young child's head while our good old jenkem left him with visions of his mother and I am sure he failed to tell us about his visions of Criss Angel instructing him to bend over and back up onto one said man pole.
Zambian production
St Louis consumption
Global high
And just to show that your ace NECS reporter is not getting lazy on Jenkem here is yet another fabulous news report, seems those Zambian youth are now taking up residence in the Sunshine state (and sun is a key ingredient in making Jenkem).
ReplyDeletePart I
Police in Naples, Fla., are on the lookout for users of "jenkem," a homemade drug created by allowing human urine and feces to ferment in a bottle with a balloon covering the opening. Users inhale the released methane gas from the balloon to get a "euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine, but with strong hallucinations of times past," according to a Collier County Sheriff's Office bulletin.
The downside: "Subjects who used the jenkem disliked the taste of sewage in their mouth and the fact that the taste continued for several days."
Sounds too gross to be true, right? Well, maybe.
Jenkem is real. If you're down and out and looking for kicks in Lusaka, Zambia, the BBC reported in 1995 that street children gather at the city's sewage ponds to brew the drug.
But according to the police in Florida, who first issued the bulletin at the end of September, and officials at the Drug Enforcement Agency in Washington, no reports of the foulmouthed inhalant have been confirmed in the United States.
"We have had no confirmed cases," said Jamie Mosbach, a spokesperson for the sheriff's office. "It came through an anonymous tip after someone saw something on the Internet and heard something about it from their child at a local high school. We just thought we'd inform our deputies in case they saw something."
What about jenkem use in other parts of the country? "We haven't seen it yet," said Garrison Courtney, a spokesman for the DEA.
"It is in Africa, we know that… We've heard rumors and speculation about it here, but part of looking for trends is listening first for speculation. It is something we want to keep on top of. The same sort of thing happened when we first heard of kids huffing freon or whippets [nitrous oxide, often found in whipped cream canisters]," he said.
Early Detection or Hoax?
Part II
ReplyDeleteMosbach summed up the challenge police often face when tipped off to something they've never heard of: "We don't know if it's real or a hoax."
Police have to follow up on any lead, whether they believe it to be a hoax or not, said Eugene O'Donnell, a professor of law and police science at John Jay College in New York.
"A lot of stuff law enforcement hears is farfetched. Anyone who has been a cop can tell stories of hearing ridiculous things that turn out to be true. Police departments are public service agencies and you have to take people at their word and face value," he said. "If someone comes to me on the street and says I got robbed, I have to believe them. I don't know if it is a prank or an exaggeration or if that person is just high."
Cops must constantly sift through real reports and rumors based on urban legends.
Cpl. Jefferson Davenport at the Pennsylvania State Police Academy found himself at the center of an urban legend last spring.
A viral e-mail with Davenport's name attached circulated across the Internet warning drivers that flashing their high beams at cars driving without their lights on at night would find themselves on the wrong end of a dangerous street gang initiation.
"It's good that people are actually checking with us to see if the rumor is true," Pennsylvania State Police public information officer Linette Quinn told ABC News.
She said her department had been inundated with calls of people reporting they had seen cars driving at night with their lights off.
"Most urban legends have some small basis in fact," said Richard Newtson, a professor of sociology at Columbus State University.
The fact that jenkem is used in Africa, coupled with the speed with which the Internet can distribute both real and rumored information, may have led that first tipster to call the cops in Florida.
"Because of the nature of police work, e-mails that at first blush may seem ridiculous, have to be taken seriously and that creates room for cops to be hoaxed," O'Donnell said.
"E-mail and the Internet allow for something isolated that took place across the globe to worry people here at home," he added.
I have to agree with the author and some of his subjects, that taste of ass in my mouth lasted several days and reminded me of the good old times as a youth hanging out at Criss Angel's Camp Jenkem. Only back in those days he was selling us on the only method to inhale was by firmly clamping one's lips on his sphincter and simultaneously inhaling while giving him a reach around. Something about pulling on his tool that made the butt gas extra sweet, never really remembered much other than waking up with the taste of shit in my mouth and sticky fingers.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit. Just when I got the last bits of brain matter off of my shirt, I turn on the infertubes to find this amazing body of work from the illustrious C-Dubbs, and now my sleeve is covered in brain matter all over again.
ReplyDeleteFirst I have to say that "Home on Mt Kohler" is my new favorite song. I can finally turn off the same Butthole Surfers CD I have been listening to on repeat for the last 5 years. There were so many amazing facts and figures in the news stories, as well as some great terminology like "foul mouthed inhalant", "Sniffing sewage", and "Aids Epidemic". Clearly Criss Angel has been vacationing in Africa for quite some time now.
Speaking of Criss Angel, I was surprised to learn about Dorbs experiences at Camp Jenkem. While I have never tried the Criss Angel method myself, it sounds like I should purchase some rubber gloves before I give it a shot.
I hope Crotch is enjoying his trip in the basement. May Energor bless you with euphoria and visions of times past. It sounds like this should be a sure thing given the high quality ingredients used and the vast amount of time spent fermenting it. Those special vintages are always a treat. I am holding on to what should turn out to be the most powerful jenkem I have ever made, saving it for the perfect occasion. It is from the first Seagal Spring Training Camp in two thousand aught ten. Jerkward Toscani was the first Jerk to venture out to the wester-regions. During his stay we ate mexican food three meals a day from various establishments in Prescott, save for our camping in Sedona, during which time we ate Brahquitos. I held it the whole time. As soon as Jerkward was safely on his plane, I ran to my room to get my container, a big water jug, the type that is used for water coolers in office buildings. I unleashed a turd storm the likes of which I have rarely experienced, capped the jug with a giant balloon, and moved it to my jenkem cellar where it has been aging to perfection evar since. One day I too will be safely locked in the basement with only this bottle of jenkem and Energor for company. I can't wait.
I think I have uncovered more evidence of the Zambian street children that I suspect are hiding out in the woods between my house and the shop. As I went down the Az equivalent of the CB Elevator a noticed a couple yellow balloons trailside. When I got to work the smell of sewage was pleasantly overpowering. Something is definitely going on. More to come!
Doctor
It is so good to see all of the fine connoisseurs of jenkem production and aging. Perfecting the proper blend of jenkem is akin to the fine art of wine making and as the Doctor has noted there are differing sizes ranging from the quick fermenting "Demi" or half bottle up to the giants like the Sovereign (25 liter) or Melchizedek (30 Liter) whose aging can take many a year (and countless turns of the bottle for consistency) such as the Prescott Spring Training Release (vintage 2010). Based on recent tasting sessions we have found that these larger format bottles tend to reach their peek potency and taste after a minimum of 14 yrs of aging while the Demi bottles are pretty much ready after a day of high heat and sunshine. In our next post we will bring you the tasting notes but will tease with this sample of NECS vintage 2011 from the Middle Fork vineyard - " the nose has a slight hint of blended PBR and Braquito and clearly presents well when huffed deeply and swirled about in the lungs. There is a deep, rich brown toneality topped with a hint of Council Bluff yellow stream. To date this is shows the true potential of CB vineyards and is reflected with the construction of an additioanl production facility scheduled to come online this summer.
ReplyDeleteThe thing about the brown dragon is that it may swirl around in your lungs and get you high as fuck, but you never fully are able to control him. It does what it wants. Fortunately, mostly all it wants to do is give you a smooth, mellow ephoric high that brings back all of your ancestors from the past, as has them all telling you about their most memorable shits. I love hearing from my German ancestors while ive got two lungs full of the butter, as they tell me all about the difficulties of having to disrobe all of their liederhosen quickly when the shits come on strong all of a sudden.
ReplyDeleteI took a ride on that dragon tonight, with subtle hints of Papa Johns from dinner, mixed with coffee, red bull, and sriracha-flavored Lays chips. That was a memorable mixture that really has me wanting a soothing palate cleanser to get me properly prepared for the next vision quest. I have to lay off my private stock for a while though, as a few too many celebrations lately has my teeth turning brown.
Fuck you all
This is amazing - we are spending so much time discussing totally bullshit -fermented bullshit
-CFR
Doctor, I realize that the excitement of a new bottle of jenkem is sometimes, or most times, to hard to resist but be warned as our tasters at NECS Vineyards have found that huffing a fine mix that has not aged pooperly results in a rapid fall off in the ancestoral visions.
ReplyDeleteCoach, you German relatives need to take a lesson from my Austrian relatives who have modified the liederhosen with a velcro ass flap. A simple pull and you have ready access to the fresh pilsner blend, usually with a hint of sauerkraut and weinerschnitzel.
I do have to note that the recent bout with Lyme's has been a blessing in disguise. A massive revamp of the diet was required and I now eat a lot of dried fruit and if you have ever consumed too much of this you know that is the equivalant of adding yeast to beer - production of the lung butter increases massively which is why I am always being chased by the Zambian youth of NYC as I spray clouds of Jenkem on the subway.
As for all the time we are spending discussing fermented bullshit, it is time well spent and when jenkem is legalized we will rule the markets.
Ah, the good ole Papa John's. The papa has given me an amazing turd or two in my day. As my grandma told Mrs. Doctor the other day "he's always been a good eater." And she would be correct. I was 6'3" from 8th grade till the time I was 20, and then managed to grow another two inches out of nowhere. I can eat an entire large pizza and turn around and ask for dessert. As you can imagine this has led to some Energordamn impressive turds. Little did Grandma know what I was doing with those. Speaking of impressive turds and dietary changes, Mrs Doctor is constantly trying to improve my diet and keep me from eating entire pizzas and having Brahquitos for lunch everyday. Sometimes instead of going out to eat at the local brew pub, she will take me to the salad bar at the health food store. Lucky for me they have a large bowl, more of a trough really. I can't tell you how exciting it is to wake up with a salad containing two pounds of spinach, with broccoli, sprouts, and all sorts of other ingredients that ferment overnight ready to explode forth from your colon. I lost consciousness and rangers had to perform a daring rescue atop Mt Kohler.
ReplyDeleteYou know, all this talk of crop dusting the subway made me wonder how much crop dusting occurs in the pro peloton. These guys are consuming six or seven thousand calories a day. Mrs Doctor counted mine on the livestrong calorie counter one day and my total was close to 4,000. I know what kind of gas that produces. I can only imagine what doubling it would do. Maybe we can sign a deal with the UCI to collect all of these fine jenkem ingredients. We can tell them it is the latest in testing for doping products, all the while we will be getting high as fuck. High as Fuck.
business day is done
shit stained chest
anothers vomit on my breath
I bet Criss Angel is huge in Japan
Get fucked
Doctor.
Wow, I just continue to be amazed at the interactions 3 immature jerks can produce on a blog that now must surely be the most read blog on the planet.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the pro peleton we here at the NECS refer to those fine outbursts as chamois geese. It is also worth noting that David Moncoutie was probably the biggest jenkem huffer in the pro peleton. Phil and Paul always pointed out how he liked to ride at the back (but they never pointed out that this was the area with the heaviest concentration of jenkem.
3 jerks on a blog
excited japanese businessmen
anxiously await posts
chamois grease flowing free
ReplyDeleteYukiya Arashiro japan champion
wheelsuck brown dragon huff
briefcase full of used panties
shit soaking through button down shirt
button come stain vest to cover
My degree is from
ReplyDeleteTokyo School of Business
T.P. Diploma
Went to Zambia
Found Japanese researchers
One ferments, one eats
Oh how I wish Robort were here, he would surely see the good in what we are doing. He would call up his old fake German girlfriend who looked like Avril Lavigne, and it would be like old times cooking out back of the TC Man, and periodically a customer would come in and ask if we are going out of business. I would step into the laboratory, aka shitter, and hotbox myself in for a while, hoping that the toilet didn't clog. Dubbs, if only you could have been there and seen the squalor, you would also have been in tears laughing as they played the Back 9.
Speaking of the back 9, I produced about 9 oz of straight pee out of my ass earlier. Had I not been in such a rush to make it my nice little nest atop mt. Kohler, I could have bottled me some diarrhea. Instead, I just kept the half-dozen or so pieces of shitty folded up tp, and I'm going to put them in a small, clear Tupperware container and attempt the Drewballz method of riding the brown dragon. It may not be quite as potent as the full-on turd logs, but it might work in a pinch, just like the loaf I hope to pinch off later.
Speaking of pieces of paper being used to get high, that could be yet another method of jenkem delivery - fermented shit stains o n tp placed on the tongue just like LSD. It really would taste like the I snide of an asshole, but if an overseas flight on wings of the brown dragon is possible, it will be more than worth it. I might take that dragon right over to Austria for some wiener schnitzel, then head to Doctors homeland of OK, where I could find some... Well, I'm not sure what I would find other than wind out there. Regardless, fuck you, and the dragon you rode in on.
Beautiful post Crotch. Just beautiful. Starting with a couple of nice poems, onto the TC Man memory train, liquid duty report, and to top it all off a new method of pursuing our favorite hobby, huffing shit. Oh, in addition to wind, you will also find grass, insects, and 3.2 beer in Oklahoma.
ReplyDeleteAs a TC Man Man, I certainly played the back nine many, many times. In fact we were starting to get pretty good by the time the whole shithouse came crumbling down. Your description pretty much sums it up. Here is what it might have looked like from a customer's prospective.
"I opened the door to TC Man and instantly was overcome by the odor of shit, followed by a blast of charcoal smoke. A minute or two after I entered the shop, someone came through the smoke billowing in through the back door to ask if I needed anything. As he got closer the smell of shit started to overpower the smoke. I asked for a couple of products, none of which did they have. In fact there wasn't much of anything but some entry level Konas and a bunch of Fuji comfort hybrids. I then noticed several golf ball sized holes in the wall. It was at this time that a door behind the register opened and I was overtaken by yet another wave of shit stench. Another TC Man Man appeared still buttoning his pants, and holding a sausage wrapped in a tortilla in one hand, BBQ sauce dripping down his arm. I asked if they were going out of business, to which he replied in the negative. Maybe they are waiting on a shipment or something, because there is no merchandise except for a couple of chains and some Serfas comfort saddles. As I was leaving I was nearly struck by a golf ball that came flying through the smoke and out of the back room."
I think this is pretty much the scene that a handful of west county citizens were exposed to. They didn't even see the back room either. That was the real shit show. 5 foot tall penises drawn on the walls, among various other penises, animals with penises, birds with big dangly penises. Then there was the mural. Made from photos from various cycling publications/catalogs etc, taped to the wall by the microwave and growing everyday. Criss Angel would have been proud. Then you move onto the ten foot tall idol made from energy drink cans, which served as an effigy of our lord Energor, complete with a cocaine energy drink can as the nose. Right before the whole shit show came tumbling down Crotch went to Big Shark. It seems like maybe only a couple of weeks later that I was helping David from the warehouse pack it all in. We knew he was coming so the energy drink cans and the mural were gone, but there was no covering up the drawings or holes in the wall from errant golf shots. I was the last TC Man Man standing. Robort was gone to Whole Foods, Johnson was in chiropractic school, and I was left with the highly awkward task of helping David close everything down. He nevar said anything about any of the shit on the walls or anything. I can't tell you strange of a week that was. My last week as a TC Man Man was spent living out of a truck with Ron, guiding the TC Tours trip to Ragbrai, which means load the truck in the morning, ride the route, unload the truck, fix bikes that experience problems during the day, and then retiring to my tent for a long chinese translation session. Actually I didn't get to do the whole route everyday, so I targeted the longer ones. During the longest stage of Ragbrai I was riding with a guy in an Indy Fab kit for about the last half of the ride. I am wondering now if it was Dorbs. Did you do Ragbrai in 2009. I was riding with the guy for a while and he had invited me back to his campsite for some beers but we lost contact when I cramped a bit, then there was a crash right next to me and the kid was convulsing on the ground so I stopped to try to help, but it turns out that everybody that does Ragbrai is a doctor. There were six of them there instantly so I took off but was never able to catch back up to the guy. The day after I got back to STL we left for AZ. Holy shit that was a long post.
ReplyDeletePraise Energor
Doctor
Doctor, I had no idea that you did "Ragbrai" (or "rag-bree" according to Donald.) I can't imagine sitting in a truck with old gross Ron that whole fucking time. He seems like one of those guys that would shit his pants and not notice or care, leaving you to get high on someone else's supply. Was it difficult to hide your scrolls from him?
ReplyDeleteRegardless, I often think that we could have done a little bettor at TC Man had we been able to sell our brahquito-fueled jenkem to inquiring customers. Enough charcoal smoke flavor would surely add a nice smoke hit stench to it, kinda like an outhouse burning down. Tell me Doctor, how does it feel to b e the last of all the TC Men? The last TC Man Man?
Rib dinner burrito breakfast
ReplyDeleteNuggets fall from Mt Kohler
Spelling splashback awakens me
I was not the IF man at Ragbrai but it sounds like I should have been. As for that young lad convulsing on the ground, in my expert opinion it was a simple case of a jenkem O.D. My post doctoral thesis from the University of Zambia (http://www.ehow.com/about_5718694_jenkem-side-effects.html), which was written under my transsexual alter ego name, covers the side affects such as lack of oxygen and fainting. While none of my subjects actually convulsed during research there was an significant increase in facial muscle twitches and loss of short term memory with an increase in hallucinations from days back in diapers. I attributed these youthful flashbacks to deeply imbedded memories of crapping in diapers already loaded with piss which allowed the fermentation process to naturally occur due to the retention properties of disposable diapers in conjunction with a pressure cooker like affect from the pressure of sitting in the diapers for hours while moms were hitting either the bottle or pool boy.
ReplyDeleteIt was only at the beginning of the last decade that jenkem production took a new twist. Spurred on by the power of the mighty Red Bull my teenage subjects started experimenting with a deadly combination where a mixture of urine heavily loaded with Red Bull was fermented with rare white Bengali tiger shit. The resultant brew would initially cause massive convulsions which were followed by an urge to eat young Zambian children (a side experiment found that when the brew used the urine extract from one Mr. Criss Angel the focus of their rage was solely on young Zambian boy which were discarded once the taint had been throughly ravaged).
The subjects never displayed an urge to draw penis murals or hit golf balls indoors (although there was an increase sack slapping) but this is something I should research for my upcoming paper in Scientific Journal.
I can tell you this, it was fucked sitting in the truck with Ron for a week. I kept waiting for him to bust out a piss jug while we were driving, have me hold it while he rocks off a piss, and then toss it out the window while saying "It's the way of the road." We made frequent enough stops that I was able to translate the whole time, I nevar would have made it otherwise. About halfway through the week I discovered he did in fact have a piss jug, but in his tent. He used it so he didn't have to get up at night. I am not kidding. I wish I had a picture of him to put up here. He looked like Schneider from the 80's show "One day at a time" except a foot shorter, about twice as big around, and he definitely was not all there. It was a tough week, but I made a couple hundred in tips and got to ride a few stages. As for being the last TC Man Man, I am honored. TC Man had such a storied history. Dating from back when it was a real functioning bike shop all the way to when I, the Last TC Man Man, shed a single tear as I walked the gallery of penises one last time before David locked the door. I have some pictures of TC Man. I will have to find them, I might even have one of Ron. For Dorbs sake, TC Man was in Manchester, hence the Man in TC Man Man. Maybe Daniel Day Lewis will play me in an epic movie someday "The Last of the TC Man Men"
ReplyDeleteThe penis mural effect is one that is not understood very well by science. There were certainly many energy drinks pissed out into the TC Man collective jenkem vat. Maybe it has something to do with excessive braquito intake. Too many tubed meats. We seriously grilled everyday for a long, long time. I think that and trying to divert Robort's attention away from our own penises is what led to such a massive art project. The way his eyes lit up every time a new one was added was a special thing.
That was a mighty fine poem Mr Dubbs. I am inspired to try one of my own.
Land of Rising Sun
Breath smells of shit
dust mask to keep jenkem in
My breath tastes like shit too.
Doctor
I do recall seeing shots of the infamous wall of penises (or is it peni) and was not sure if someone had an out of control party at their house or what had happened. I am sure those deep pulls of the brown lung butter bring back hallucinations from the days at TC Man. Have any of the jenkem fueled visions been of penises with Ron's face on the head?
ReplyDeletetaken from C-dorbs neighbor, the bike snob:
ReplyDeleteA statement from the NSW Ministry of Health said the group had developed "vomiting and diarrhea on the plane" consistent with norovirus infection, which is a common cause of outbreaks of gastroenteritis in Australia and elsewhere.
The flight was aboard a Boeing 747-400 which has a total of seven toilets located on the main deck and one on the upper deck.
Sounds like a dream flight to me. I would definitely pay extra for a jenkem hot box flight.
Fuck you
Doctor
Vomit and Diarrhea is the japanese businessman formula for jenkem.
ReplyDeleteGastroenteritis is a medical condition characterized by inflammation ("-itis") of the gastrointestinal tract that involves both the stomach ("gastro"-) and the small intestine ("entero"-), resulting in some combination of diarrhea, vomiting, and abdominal pain and cramping.[1] Gastroenteritis has also been referred to as gastro, stomach bug, and stomach virus. Although unrelated to influenza, it has also been called stomach flu and gastric flu.
ReplyDeleteGlobally, most cases in children are caused by rotavirus.[2] In adults, norovirus[3] and Campylobacter[4] are more common. Less common causes include other bacteria (or their toxins) and parasites. Transmission may occur due to consumption of improperly prepared foods or contaminated water or via close contact with individuals who are infectious.
The foundation of management is adequate hydration. For mild or moderate cases, this can typically be achieved via oral rehydration solution. For more severe cases, intravenous fluids may be needed. Gastroenteritis primarily affects children and those in the developing world.
I just took a shit that is going to require me to seek intravenous rehydration. Gastroenteritis sounds like a great time as well as a great source of jenkem ingredients.
Well my good friends I might not be a TC Man Man but this morning I confirmed that I am a TP Man Man. A weekend dedicated solely to riding my bike and translating sciptures meant a vast intake of every imaginable food group and come Monday morning and that first fresh brewed cup.....actually just the aroma of the ground beans caused a sudden knotting of the lower colon and a fast penguin waddle to Mt Kohler was in the cards.
ReplyDeleteOnce seated upon the summit (maybe we should call it the Energor Step rather than the Hillary Step, think Mt Everest, as the true summit of Mt Kohler would mean I was giving myself and upper decker), the purge was commenced. Luckily there was no Spelling Splashback but rather an incredibly rare (and unwanted) Oprah Oh No where the contents were piled so high the pile was tickling my taint. The odors eminating carried a kick like a mule and got me to thinking why not sit on the throne, put a giant plastic bag over your entire body and Mt Kohler thus creating a near perfect hot house where you can enjoy your own Dutch Oven (www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dutch%20oven).
You good sir are an honorary TC Man Man if I've evar seen one. I am glad to hear that you are waddling about and having great adventures on Mt Kohler. I agree that the true summit would indeed be an upper decker. I have increasingly been feeling a strong urge to perform an upper decker, but deciding where to do it is a bit of a complicated matter. I considered doing it at work, but it's a small shop and I would constitute 1/3 of the victims. There are individual people that I would love to upper deck, but access is going to be a problem. Most of them are customers here at the shop and would think it strange if I showed up at their house just to use the bathroom. It seems to me that this only leaves public places such as department stores and restaurants. I suppose that I could hit up the DMV or something like that. My only reservation about this is that I wouldn't be sure who exactly was going to be stuck cleaning up the mess. You don't want to leave a huge pile of shit festering in the tank only to have some sweet little old grandma having to clean it up. I would like to be able to more directly aim at my target if you will. I am sure it will take me a little while to figure out the logistics, but I promise you this, I will perform an upper decker before the year is up.
ReplyDeleteOprah oh no is definitely a terrifying experience. It often occurs without warning. The size of a shit is hard to gauge until it is on it's way out. Speaking of Oprah, she would be a great target. Again access is the key problem. Maybe if I posed as a food delivery person it would distract her long enough for me to doo the deed. There again it won't have much direct impact on her. Steadman will ultimately be the one left to clean the tank, which would be okay with me really. He probably deserves it too.
I like the plastic bag dutch oven idea, although I feel a friend should be standing by to remove the bag once you pass out. I am curious what would happen if you somehow collected the condensation that would form on the side of the bag, emanating from the steaming pile of shit and your respiration. It would be a rare elixir indeed. I don't think it would ferment the way jenkem does. Perhaps it could be crystallized or vaporized. The constantly evolving technology of huffing shit, what will we think of next.
Well I have just found one of those big lawn trash bags and am off to the Energor Step to try my own dutch oven. I am alone at the shop right now, but I figure if I pass out in the bag I can make it till morning. As a seasoned jenkem huffer I can withstand a little bit of oxygen debt. We need a measurement like VO2 max but more jenkem huffing oriented. VCH4 max would be the scientific way to write it I do believe.
GTF
Doctor
Comrades!!!! it is a great thing that I have merited in my lifetime to read the sgaciousness that is the infinite wisdom presented hitherto here. To enter into the gates of this convocation of greatness is beyond humbling to a man of my constitution. I have learned much and gained much inspiration seeing the shear humanity of life presented here.
ReplyDeleteSo sadly, in the regular media devices, we can only talk about Miley Cyrus's ass or Britney Spears' cunt but deep spiritual discussion of great excrement excreted from out of our own ass holes is considered inappropriate for public discussion. But the enlgihtened have gathered here to fuck the public media in the ass and discuss with heightened knowledge the great mystical secrets of fecelanation.
With you permission, my great sages, I'd like to present here an account of happenings that your humble servant experienced in the great realm of shitationess. This is not so much of a story but of a metaphysical state I was privileged to enter into.
You see, several years ago, when I had the opportunity to backpack through part of the great rocky mountains, the rain came down. Then the sleet and snow. And fucking lightening in the middle of August while we were very exposed attempting to get over a mountain pass. Well, the great light of Energor, whom I've learned of from your great tales of his greatness, well he showed his light and we survived the great ordeal. After reaching the campsite on the other side of the pass, the sun was shining and I was very much needing to connect my innerds and the great outdoors. I found a tree of true greatness and let out a thunderous movement of what can only be described as incredible. You see, Beethoven's legacy to the world was the 9th. Well, my legacy, to the rockies, was this amazing unleashemnt of all that is awesome. You see, after I had cleared out my entire colon and deposited it on that mountain side, I felt a tangible elation and spiritual sense of complete enlightenment. I felt at one with nature, with Energor, and with the entire world. I WAS FREE. this was a sensation that I have never recapitualted in all the years since. It was so high, so special, a once in a lifetime, perhaps, deep mystical connection that only a post snow storm in the mountains bowl party can induce.
And so, I conclude with a prayer and blessing to each of us and to the entire world, may we continue to be enlightened, lighted, and elated by the great lincoln logs we share with the world.
Sitting close to, but not on, the summit of Mt Kohler I realized that we are putting signifcant time and energy into educating the world about the finely distilled lung butter we all call Jenkem. But we owe it to ourselves and the reading public, to help take these children of the jenkem and teach them the proper production techniques and required equipment to ensure maximum production while maintaining the "Brown" standard in quality of their Jenkem.
ReplyDeleteIt is time we open the debate with the capture of quality raw materials. Now, as we read earlier, those little Zambian youths from Lusaka prefer the grab and stuff method. While this is good for the quick production it is a bit on the messy side and one can be prone to a bit o' poo stuck in the nose when mining the old nasal mine for mucus nuggets. Not to mention the considerable amount of spillage. While this might not matter if you are lucky enough to reside by the local open sewer where the flow of poo slowly makes it's way down the street gutter, those of us in high rise apartment building have a whole other dilemma - or only the Scarface option - "get high on your own supply".
When in full training mode I have the ability to eat vast quantities of food but if I were to do that all year long my metamorphis would be akin to that of El Blimp de Forida - George Zimmerman. Since this is not a viable option (eventually I would be such a fat fuck that I wouldn't be able to scoop my own load from the bowl) what I have discovered is the second hand centrifuge I picked up in Bagdad does an amazing job a spinning the densest and more potent chunks o'stool to the bottom and leaves a weak (think 3.2 beer weak) liquid on the top.
Draining off the top sludge and selling it to the local addicts at the Jenkem House first funds your own production facility and second leaves you with the purest, most concentrated base material. Essentially this is like the crack or crystal meth of Jenkem - a clean pure intense high that leaves you with fond visions of your past family and past lives.
This ends this segment of our educational series on Jenkem and it's production. Stay tuned for further programs where we discuss the benefits of brown vs. green vs. clear fermentation bottles, ballons vs. surgical gloves and our final series on setting up your own Jenkem franchise.
To keep abreast of the latest developements in Jenkem follow our union website at jenkemworld.blogspot.com
As we approach the magical century skid mark in comments I felt it was the right thing to do. Besides "Clouds of Jenkem" will now have a place to post our race report (and I am sure this will be one like no other with shots of people on the CB crapper, etc).
ReplyDeleteYES!!! Jenkem and hot blonds!
ReplyDeleteI am so excited about the new world order but find myself lost if I don't return to this amazing vessel of content.
ReplyDelete1 liter Pepsi Bottle
Yellow Ballon Expanding
Visions of Grandma
I must say that since the inception of this superior comment section the supply pipeline has been open, running a full capacity and straining the abilities of Mt Kohler to handle the volumes produced.
ReplyDeleteViolent taint gust
Mt Kohler overfloweth
Zambian children fighting
Popped in to see if anything new was a foot, and boy am I glad I did. Fine poetry sir, very fine indeed.
ReplyDeleteGrab and stuff
bottle full
shit under fingernails
Even moar exciting news on the Jenkem front. Seems Cleveland is quite the Jenkem city and those captives at Ariel Castro's house of horrors love to hit the balloon.
ReplyDeleteHere is a clip from a CNN story - The woman held the longest by Ariel Castro handed out yellow balloons to people gathered to watch the demolition of his Cleveland, Ohio, house.
I knew there was a sound reason to continue studying the ancient dialects - http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/07/health/charlotte-child-medical-marijuana/index.html?hpt=hp_t2
ReplyDeleteGreetings, fellow shit-breathers. I have been on a short sabbatical as of this last week, here in the Poo-cific North-piss, visiting Storm along with the great Nico Toscani. Seattle is an amazing town, much larger than St. Louis, which had me thinking about the potency of the collective sewage that id produced here.
ReplyDeleteI can't give a full report at the moment, but rest assured that thanks to the copious amounts of IPA and all other various lagers, ESBs, etc that I have been ingesting, my constitutions have nevar been stronger. Couple that with a week of eating too much food from a a variety of sources, and I have been nearly passing out from euphoria each time I saddle up atop Mt. Kohler. Energorspeed, and get fucked.
Give a minivan to the Hoff brothers
ReplyDeleteOK I am serving this one up to a lucky commentator of blogs, the opportunity to post what is a truely rare event and last seen in the days of Robortion/Kankles - the 100th post. Hopefully the words of wisdom will come from our illustrious perveyor of fine verbiage - Coach - which will then be followed by countless amounts of Tri-ku's and Jenkem-ku's
ReplyDeleteThe brown toilet snake
ReplyDeleteContinues to haunt my dreams
The dreams of times past
I am glad to be back here amongst the people. My people. My turd-cloud-infused dicknoses. For a while I've been riding high on the Zambian Plains, with "brown waves of grain as far as the brown eye can see. I spent some time away from the intertubes, only to slowly return to life. C-Dubs, you are a most gracious turd-monger to allow me the honor to create this, the most hallowed of all comments, the 100th comment.
Today I have been to the top of the mountain 3 separate times. The first was the thankfully-rare wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night shits. And it was not a satisfying one, either. having consumed numerous New Belgium Shifts, one Yuenling (sadly, a very rare occurence here in MO) and some other random Schlafly products during the preceding evening over at Snurb's house. That first turd was less of a turd, but more of a series of shit-sprays, each one leaving me unsure as to whether or not it was the last one. It really sucked, since I really just wanted to get back to sleep.
The second shit came as I was at the shop, preparing materials for the repair class I was about to teach. Having drank the necessary coffee to bring me somewhat out of the hangover state, I made one last visit to the mountain top before settling into what would become a 4-hour festival of pain at work. By the end, my eyeballs were floating in piss.
My final summit came here at home, as i delivered a turd that was the polar-opposite to the shit-spray that I had farted out not 14 hours prior. This 3rd turd was truly a brown toilet snake. A long, single log that curled slightly around the bowl. It would have been ripe for use as in the rarely seen "Alaskan Pipeline" maneuver.
I think we're finished for the day, but as a side effect, the bathroom in my house has started to get Mrs. Crotch slightly euphoric.
Get Short-bus'd
Beautiful 100th comment Croatch. Just beautiful. Love the Jenku. Sorry to hear about that malty morning mist atop the mountain. While it can sometimes be quite entertaining, it is best left for the waking hours. At least you got to ride the snake later on. I am on my way out the door, so rather than leave a full duty report, a jenku.
ReplyDeleteMisty mountain top
Brown plains below
Acrid malty vapors
Those are some truly amazing thoughts and shared experiences for the mighty 100th post, a job well flushed my esteemed colleague and master of the yellow ballon.
ReplyDeleteMuch like a fine vineyard will offer up a "vertical tasting" I do believe this is the first time I have ever heard of a "vertical crapping". Incredible, you experienced the "Lucky Lusaka" whereby you ass allows you to experience the full gamut of shit texture, structure and offers up a full range of jenkem brews. I hope after the middle of the nighter you didn't leave a massive skid mark getting back in the sack.
i missed one hundred
ReplyDeletemy poo tales are resplendent
yet no time to post
get thee fucked big time
by the mini van method
poo-ku is an art
September teh turd
ReplyDeleteNo poosts since eight twenty nine
Where's my crap chatter?
Great Punchor of Cocks, it is with great pleasure that I inform you of our new location.
ReplyDeleteJenkemworld.blogspot.com is where your crap chatter has gone. Hijacking a comments section is fine and all, but with our new site we can add pictures and video as well. I am proud to say, you have some catching up to do. We started out with a vengeance on the new site, and while things have tapered off a little, we are still going strong.
Speaking of going strong, a stream of semi solid shit burst forth from my nether regions so hard that it actually lifted me off the seat of Mt Kohler a little bit.
Doctor Shit Shaman
Tales of El-Jenkem will soon be gracing your eyeballs.
ReplyDeletePuckering sphinter
ReplyDeleteAwakening of the dark star
Tubeset in the bowl