Well It has been awhile, but I am sure that Mr Dubbs or Crotch will eventually swing by to leave a duty report and stumble upon my holiday post here. During all the holiday revelry I wanted to take a moment to focus on the true reason for the season, the birth of our Lord Energor. With all the racing, drinking, jenkem goggles, and naughty elves it is easy to get forget why we celebrate in the first place. As I sat atop Mt. Kohler this morn reading the ancient Chinese scrolls telling of Energor's creation,life, and eventual sacrifice I thought it would be appropriate to begin this post with an excerpt from The Gospel of Energor, New Zambian Version
I Energor, chapter 1 verse 10 "In the tenth cycle of the TC Man calendar, our universe was condensed from the jenkem ether by Energor's mighty inhalation of the sacred vapors. Our reality is the manifestation of his jenkem goggled visions. Near the end of the fifteenth cycle of the TC Man calendar the mighty Energor had grown displeased with the state of mankind and he came to our earth in the form of a nine foot tall energy can robot in order to teach us all the ways of jenkem, so that we might reach the next phase of our evolution which is set to occur at the end of the TC Man Calendar, December 21, 2012. Even though he travelled the globe trying to spread the gospel his only disciples were Zambian street children, who eventually, in a sobriety induced rage murdered the physical manifestation of our Lord Energor with thrift store golf clubs. Once they realized what they had done, his disciples reconstructed him with gorilla glue and built a shrine at TC Man, and made daily pilgrimages to participate in jenkem rituals at the feet of their Lord. Only those righteous will survive the next evolutionary phase, which can only be attained through diligent jenkem goggled meditation"
So as you celebrate this season take time to shit in a two liter bottle, cap it with a balloon, ferment it in the sun for two weeks, inhale the vapors, and reflect on the teachings of Energor. And Naughty Elves.
Fuck you Jerks,
UnaDoctor
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Praise Energor, the almighty pariah, UnaDoctor, has blessed us with a Christmas/Cxmas tale of the founding of our almighty spiritual leader - Energor. I was so astounded by this posting that I immediately head for the summit of Mt. Kohler (the spiritual birthplace of Energor and his evil twin Jenkem, and dropped trow and an almighty sacrificial offering of the finest tube set this side of the Mississippi in honor of these holy gods. And wouldn't you know it, when I stuffed my face into the center of glory for a deep inhalation of Jenkem I noticed that my deuce offering, much like a piece of Jesus toast, had left skid marks in the bowl and these skid marks read - "head west old man, the trails of Middle Fork, Burnin and Cxmas require your wrist snapping abilities.
ReplyDeleteWell I immediately laid out the plans for my future glory and called Criss Angel to head to Zambia and tame the mighty golf club swinging youth so that they can focus solely on the milking of yaks to meet the worlds demand for Yak semen
Christ Ryback, drop a deuce and get on the train with some comments.
ReplyDeleteMr Dubbs,
ReplyDeleteI pleased that my tale pleased you. I have just returned from Boulder, where I pilgrimaged to celebrate the coming of the new year of our Energor with 5 nights of Yonder mtn string band, and I was pleased to see your comments. I know that a fine moment will come, and the mighty Crotch will pleased to see this gripping holiday tale.
Perhaps it is time for our dear Crotch to remove himself from the Criss Angel tour bus and come back to the reality of the informative regions of the internet.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is I, the Croarch. Sorry for such a long hiatus - I have been floating along, high on the ethereal Jenkem Plains, where I kept busy by reading several pages, or rather, squares, from the Gospel of Energor. A quick pull off of a more bold and potent balloon, and I was in heaven.
ReplyDeleteToday especially, I had a long day at work, and it was great to keep this turd sitting, stewing, and building up steam all day. Much like slow cooking a roast for hours and hours, this log made its presence known around 1 or 2pm, and I made the conscious decision to wait until I came home - after 6pm. (And that is after several cups of coffee.) Well, 6pm turned into 9:30, having gone out to dinner. All of this time provided me the luxury of having to not expend any effort in pushing out this brown loaf - rather, it simply fell out like a elephant being born.
Holy shit. Can we do this again?
This is fantastic news. The mighty Croatch returns, and the father of a brown baby elephant to boot. I'm so proud! Really It twas I who took somewhat of a hiatus, one day deep into a multiple balloon jenkem bender the angel of Energor appeared and restored my faith.
ReplyDeleteI think it is time we, like all of these talentless pop stars do, and produce our own perfume/cologne - Eau de Jenkem
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, welcome back Crotch - jerk.
ReplyDeleteTruly, a jenkem-infused cologne would be wondrous for humanity. The question would be, would you get high as fuck just wearing it, sitting in your own jenkem cloud all day?
ReplyDeleteDoctor, I am glad to see you having returned to the flock - Energor does in fact provide. I see this blorg potentially becoming the cultural center of the internet, following in the footsteps of the Comment Section of Robort's Blorg, and even the Jenkem Cycles Blorg, which is still a force for good in our world.
The decision before me at this moment is whether or not to mount one last expedition atop Mt. Fuji once moar tonight, or wait until morning.
Holy steaming turd burgers.....it's the same old post.
ReplyDeleteNot having a new post up here is like lifting the lid and finding a decomposed log of human waste sitting at the bottom of the bowl.
ReplyDeletesorry for the long hiatus. It's been almost a year since I have regaled the interwebs with tales of turds past and present. I will make contact with the words dept. in my brain and get something rolling.
ReplyDeletefu
praise Energor
Old lady's crusty worn crotch
ReplyDeleteNewer then this post
Which to put my eyes on - dilemma