Toscani is a total jerk!

Greetings Jerks. Yesterday marked the end of Nicorn Toscani's southwest vacation, and late in the afternoon he boarded a shuttle bound for the airport and ultimately St Louis. We spent many days enjoying breakfast beers, chinamen, Sedona, getting the jeep stuck in the snow on a 60 degree day, and other jerk-like behaviors. My broken collar bone slowed me down a little bit, but I feel that Toscani still got to see some good shit.

We began by going to Hugo's for some porn shack style mexican food (Much more amazing than it sounds.) followed by a visit to the most amazing liquor store evar. This netted us many green canned IPAs as well as some other fine canned hoppy brews that Dale made. Multiple trips were made to the local brew pub for some amazing food to fuel Toscani's Sedona ride. This is a secret picture of a Team Seagal race prep drill the day before the race:

If we get the jeep out, we go to Sedona tommorrow

  Once our superior attitudes had been tested and proven we were ready to proceed to the magical land of Sedona, a mere hour and a half drive on paved, snow and ice free roads. We arrived to early to a race for the first time in our racing careers. We were like an hour early. Those of you who have met us at the trail head realize what an amazing accomplishment this is, especially since we had to get up at 4:30 in the a.m. We found several like minded jerks in the parking lot, including Jeff and Nancy from Scottsdale, AZ. Jeff is the guy on the shuttle ride in Durango with the titanium huffy with the zebra striped fork. I cut my hand and had to get stitches on that ride, and then I see them at another ride and I have a broken collar bone. They must think that I am severly accident prone. Maybe I am. The start time rolled around and Toscani took off to ride some of this:

and this:

Given my current condition I opted for the 4 hour hike instead of the 8 hour bike ride. I made it up to the top of the Damfino saddle, the picture immediately above is what you descend on the Damfino trail. I got there just before the first group of racers wich can be seen here trying to find the trail to the top:

  The second group of racers to pass through stopped atop the saddle and enjoyed the view and visited with my chinese friend and I for a little bit. These gentlemen seemed to be brimming with superior attitude, and when they continued on they were definitely in a superior state of mind. They continued down the Damfino trail and were soon so far down from my position that this was the best pic I could get of their descent:

 

  If you zoom in you will see them making their way down, partially obscured by trees.  It was around this time that I recieved a telephone call from none other than Jerkward Toscani. He had gotten lost at some point and was waiting, PBR in hand, at the Bike and Bean which is where the race finished. He still managed to crush out 45 miles or so of rigid B29er slickrock Sedona riding. When he called I was still a good two hour hike from the car, so I snapped a couple more photos and made my way back down the slickrock mesa, which was treacherous enough on foot let alone a bike. Sedona has some amazing views. Here a couple more pics in parting. Hopefully they inspire some of you other jerks to come out and get some Sedona, it is really an amazing place.

S-Works testing

Greetings jerks! As mentioned in my previous post, I recently travelled to CA to visit Specialized HQ. They have an amazing facility with huge locker rooms, individual soap dispensing showers, and a huge cage full of 2010 Sworks bikes for the classes to demo. I rode an S works roubaix with DA tubless wheels (fucking sweeeeet) a Tarmac sl3 with electronic DA (awesome bike, liked it a lot better than the roubaix) and on the last day, the ride I had been waiting for all week, 2010 Sworks epic with xx brakes and crank, xo 9spd rear. This is their world cup level race bike, the same steed upon which Breslin will be going really fast this season. In spite of the tiny wheels, this bike felt like it fit me, something other high end 26 inch rides like the trek fuel ex have failed to do. The 2x9 drive train makes a lot of sense if you don't want to drop the massive coin for the xx cassette. Really a sweet riding bike. We were on a section of the Sea Otter trail right by the Laguna Seca raceway. I was in the lead group after the first major climb and we were just getting into the descent when things got hairy. The trail had a very sandy consistency to it, and they had had a lot of rain in the previous days. This led to the formation of a very large sinkhole that was not visible untill you were in it basically. Two of the specialized guys almost went down, which I did not see or I may have come out better. I came over a little riser and into the hole. It swallowed the front end of the bike and sent me flying. My roomate for the class was behind me and saw the whole thing. According to him I did two full front flips before landing on my shoulder and head. The sworks helmet I was demoing took the impact and then shot up into the air.

In true Team Seagal fashion, I stood up and dusted myself off saying " I don't have a concussion it's ok, let's keep going" I then bent to pick up my sun glasses and couldn't reach my arm to the ground. One of the other students used to be an LPN and realized immediately what I had done. He took a look inside my jersey, saw the break and sat me down and made a sling for me. I only know these things from my classmates telling me that night after I got back from the ER. I had no recollection of talking to anyone or trying to keep going or anything. The ER doctor asked if I had hit my head to which I relied "No" The specialized guy who was with me immediately chimed in " yeah you did bro" The medic at Laguna Seca had asked me what month it was and I really couldn't tell her. weird feeling.

So basically I broke my left clavicle completely, and the muscles titghtening around the shoulder displaced it fair ammount, meaning that it will likely have to be pinned back together. The good news is that Worker's comp is going to cover it all, and my boss is being pretty cool about it. This of course puts a significant damper on my upcoming race season since I will be off the bike for the next 6 to 8 weeks. Toscani is still going to do the Sedona race, which means  he will be in town tommorrow. While my injury changes things, he is still a tremendous jerk and I am sure we will still find plenty of ways to entertain ourselves. This will also render me unable to ride with C-dubbs the weekend following the Sedona race, but I am certain we will get together with our mutual chinese friend for a drink or two.

I will post pics of my xrays as soon as I can get them onto the computer, until then, stay hard!

PS. The bike was ok other than a broken xx brake and a cracked handlebar.

Multiple Upperdeckers

Greetings! Many amazing things are going to be happening to your Doctor in March, which we will get to soon, but first let's discuss something amazing that happened in February. I arrived home from work one day to discover a package on my doorstep. As I opened it, I immediately realized that is was from Team Seagal Headquarters, specifically the Team Trail Monster division. Many things were included in this package, most of them classified. One that I am at liberty to speak of: UpperDecker Shit Brown Ale. Carefully vacuum sealed inside the package were two of these:

  That's right, two bombers of delicious home made shit brown ale. These two  bottles came with instructions to let them ferment, like a fine jenkem, until mid February, which I did. When the time came to crack into one of these amazing brews, I invited my chinese friend to come sit with me and share an ale. Upon cracking the bottle a nutty alcohol tinged aroma greeted my giant flaring nostrils. Having previously experienced the TTM crafsmanship, I knew that this would be good, and it was good. The balance of malty and hoppy flavors was perfect, and the finish was nice and smooth. By the time the bottle was empty, my chinese friend and I were feeling pretty silly, unable to commit to cracking the second one until a couple of days later. We found the second bomber to be equally impressive. Nice work TSTTM!!

In other news Nicorn Toscani, pro hybrid hill climber and total jerk, will be visiting me in about a week or so. We are going to travel to Sedona midway through his stay and take part in a sort of underground 60 mile race. Very Non-Race-esque, no entry fee, no t-shirt, but it looks like an amazing loop. It will be interesting to see how I do, I recently got back from Oklahoma where my mom gave me a wicked cold. I mean debilitating, feverish, can't breathe, and more importantly can't ride my bike on top of the time off going to OK. I am starting to feel a slight bit better today, which is good because I leave this afternoon to go to San Jose for a Specialized class. It starts tomorrow morning and includes two road rides and one FS mountain ride. Hopefully I am feeling even better tomorrow. At least I get to spread disease in the meantime. That's it for now jerks.  Oh, anyone who did the death by hills ride is a total badass.

Where oh where has the Doctor gone?

Greetings Jerks! During the course of my semi regular (not quite fantastically regular) interwebbing I have realized that yet once again I have gone a month and a half without posting anything here. I have been leaving some updates at the Jenkem Cycles blog (Jenkemcycles.blogspot) even then not frequently enough. But hey, at least I am still ahead of Robort. Still no sign of him, even after his blog stopped serving as a daily duty report for Coach, C-Dubbs, myself, and a small army of guest contributors. How could he let his Doctor worry this way?

Moving on, the trails here have been and are still covered in snow. I haven't ridden my mountain bike since the Sedona trip from my last post, with the small exception of a couple of wet commutes to work. With the weather being warmer here, I figured that I would be able to more winter trail riding than I have been able to do. In STL it stays cold enough for the trails to freeze when they are wet, and you get that dry crunchy snow which is awesome to ride in. Since it is warmer here the moisture, which we have apparently had record ammounts of this winter, doesn't freeze solid enough to ride. I still have yet to see a temp below 23 for the low, and two hours later it is in the upper 40's.  This being the case I have been doing a lot of road riding, mostly the highway going out past the shop. I will take some pics one of these days, it is an awesome ride with a lot of sustained climbs. Until I get pics of that this will have to do:

At this very moment I am awaiting a very important call from the shop telling me that our QBP order has come in. This call will give me the opprotunity to spend some of my hard earned tax refund money on a few key upgrades for both bikes. I got a great deal on a 2009 SRAM force crankset for the cross bike. This will allow me to run a standard double instead of the cross gearing, and it is a slightly longer crank arm than my current 172.5 which is too short for me. Since I am off today I will have to test it out. Maybe I'll remember to take the camera. In other tax refund news, I am finally doing something that I have wanted to for some time, and building a tubeless wheelset for the MTB. Details to follow. In the meantime, here are some pics of Mrs. Doctor's new favorite place to go hiking. This is the Granite Dells area which is about 3 miles from our house. I did a lot of early winter base riding on the rails to trails/ wildlife reserve out there. The rock formations are estimated to be 1.4 billion years old.

New Years Day in Sedona

Happy New Year Jerks! Having gone almost as long as Robort without posting let me bring you up to speed.  So it didn't really workout with my work schedule to do the last two cross races, and let's face it, I just wasn't ready for them anyway. So I took a little bit of time off the bike. Lately I have started on getting in my base miles on some of the flat rails to trails type areas towards the Prescott Valley area. It has snowed twice here so far this winter in close enough succesion that the mountain bike trails have been unrideable. All of these factors combined with the shop being closed  for the holiday led Corey and I to head to Sedona for some lower elevation and drier trails. For those who aren't rabid followers of our blog in the comments section of Robort's blog, Corey is the other mechanic at the shop and an occaisional guest contributor to the cultural center of the intertubes.

Given that Corey and I are alcohol afficianados, we knew it was going to be tough to survive new years eve in any kind of condition to ride the next day. We had a few drinks early on and then tapered off as the night when on, and managed to wake up in reasonably good condition, better conditon than the guy who stabbed three people at one of the bars here in Prescott and in return was hospitalized by the bouncers of said bar. So our health intact, we were on our way. It takes just over an hour to get to Sedona from here, and it is a very scenic drive passing over Mingus mountain on the way. (Mingus is THE downhill run in the area)

Once at the trailhead  I could tell that we were in for some good riding. The soil is kind of a sandy clay, that even in the muddy spots wasn't nearly as greasy as the mud in Missouri. The dry spots were incredibly hooked up, with intermitent slickrock riding to keep you on your toes. I would have to say that of the places I've ridden so far, Sedona is probably my favorite.

   After riding for a little while we paused to speak with a chinaman a top this nice verticaly oriented slab of slickrock.

   We were just about to make our way to a fairly well known feature called submarine rock, which is pretty much what it sounds like, when a local guy named lars rolls up and asks us if we want to follow him to a locals only trail. As it turns out, we spoke to our chinese friend only feet from the start of the trail and didn't even really notice it. Lars rolled up on a full squish slopestyle bike, Corey was on his Norco freeride bike complete with dual crown 7 inch travel fork. I had the interesting fortune of being on a singlespeed 29er. My camera batteries were dying at this point so I was unable to photograph the trail he showed us, but it is probably the gnarliest ride I have ever been on. You basically traverse an exposed ridgeline around one of the giant stone mesas the area is known for. Big slabs of slick rock intertwined with flowy bits of single track, totally exposed on the edge of this thing. I managed to crash twice on this section, the second being an endo of the side of the cliff. Somehow I managed to trade places with my bike, hitting the slickrock and sort of flinging the bike over the edge. I managed to hang on to one of the grips and save myself the trouble of rock climbing in spd shoes to go get the Kona, which survived with only minor cosmetic damage to the downtube. Lars may have helmet cam footage of this one, I will post it if he does. 

    I have never seen anyone ride the way that Lars can. He took his 40lbs tricked out Bottle Rocket up some of the steepest slabs of slickrock like it was nothing, and bombed the gnarliest technical areas I have ever seen (Think Raider Ridge in Durango, only the whole thing is on the egde of a cliff.) How I survived on my bike I don't know. There where a couple of dismounts for sure, but overall I was pretty happy with what I was able to clean. I spent a great deal of time at work yesterday looking at all mountain and slopesyle bikes. The raked out geometery is absolutley necesarry for this style of riding.

    You jerks need to come visit out here and do some riding. Jerks

AZCross Race 4: The Dr. gets sand in his cavernous vagina

Good day jerks. It may take a while to type all of this with two snapped wrists, but I'll give it a shot. Yesterday I woke up a 6:00am to travel to Phoenix for the 4th race in the AZCross series, and my first cross race since that jerk Rich Pierce decided to set a car on fire and make us ride the spiral of death across the most rutted and painful course he could find.  The smell of burning PT Cruiser haunts me to this day.

I wasn't sure what race to do. There is a cat4 only race, Masters 30+, cat 3/4, and mens open. I opted for the mens 3/4, knowing that the Open was going to be the "A" race and that I would be eaten alive in that one. Now it is important to understand that this is a much smaller scene that STL. Checking over the results for the previous races I noted that the largest category was only 20 dudes give or take. I went into what would be the equivalent of the traditional "B" race expecting a mid pack finish, but with mild delusions of a podium spot, and maybe a Wheaties endorsement deal or something. Anything could happen in the 3/4 race. This is me on the start line, unknowingly facing near total anihilation.

(1 or 2 more guys raced, for a total of 10 or 11)

The bell sounded and we were off. I got a good jump off the line and started out hard to try and hold it. This did not work. 2 guys fly past me almost immediately followed by 2 more and 2 more. I was able to hold this place for about a lap. I settled into the fastest pace I could keep for any length of time and tried to hold on. This also did not work as I soon found myself being passed again and hanging off the back with only 2 guys behind me. The rest of the pack had a rapidly growing gap on me, and one of the guys behind was starting to nip at my heels. I held him off for a lap, maybe two, but he eventually passed me and I was struggling to hang on. I passed him again at one point, but not for long. He came around again and I was unable to respond. I spent the next 2 laps trying to bridge the gap, riding way above my head. This also did not work. Here we are either right before or right after I passed him:

(Note that he has horns. Like the devil)

By the last lap I had accepted my fate and kept pushing because I obviously need the training. I did snap at least one wrist, and I will do the 3/4 race again next time. Hopefully next time I am in a little better condition. I still have two weeks (11/28) and I have had a taste of what the pace will be like.

It was definitely different without my jerk ass teammates and friends from STL. I made multiple attempts to hand off a beautiful PBR 24oz'er to the leaders in the A race, and to no avail. Finally a gentleman named Pace (who ironically was in the back of the pack) who had been eyeing the beautiful PBR 24oz'er that I myself was drinking during his race gladly took it and crossed the finish line in style. Scott and I had some PBR 40's during that race too which I think contributed to our not thinking to capture photographic evidence of the handoff.  You jerks need to come teach these people how to drink and race at the same time, except of course for the 15 year old kid that I inadvertently offered a beer handoff. He was in third in the "A" race. How was I supposed to know? We need a few more people to party like this guy, a resident of the park the race was held in.

(Nice fella letting us race in his living room, passed out about 10ft from the course)

The course was awesome. It looked pretty flat from the parking lot, but the backside contained all the ingredients for a pain train. Tight downhill S-turns, tight uphill S-turns, and even S-turns on flat ground with barriers midway through the turn just for kicks. There was a sand pit that was in the middle of a playground complete with actual children that somehow seemed deeper each time I waded through it. Where is the Park Tools Vagina De-sandifier (VGS-12) when you need it. There was even a concrete drainage ditch at the bottom of a short downhill, which looked worse than it was, but it still kept you on your toes.

All in all it was a good time, although not quite as rowdy as the STL races. This is the 3rd year they've had the series, as it goes on more people will get involved. I would like to try and host a race in the series here in Prescott. Maybe a couple to fill out the schedule a little bit. A little bit bigger turn out would be nice. That's all I've got to say except that Kid Rock sucks, even more than knee deep sand pits. Even more than dreaming that you pissed the bed, only to wake up and find out that you really pissed the bed. Until next time, I bid you goodnight.

Cyclocross in the Desert?

Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick!! I just realized that I haven't put anything on here in over a month now. I have been working on an epic post about pretty much the only road ride here and it is no where near completetion,. It looks at this point that it will be my life's work and personal memoir, a heroic tale of a Doctor and his travels. So in the meantime, a bit about current happenings in the wester-regions.
This coming Saturday I will be traveling about 2 hrs to Phoenix to race Cross. There is a "statewide" cross series here that consists of about 6 races. The first two were held in one weekend in Flagstaff and the remaining four are in Phoenix, one of which is taking place this very afternoon. Since I have to work today I won't be able to swing this one. In preparation for next weekends event I spent the entire week camping at the top of Thumb Butte

   You can camp up here free for seven days, although they are pretty lax about it and you could stay for a while this time of year. The roads leading up to the campsites are primitive fire roads, think Matson Hill or Terry Rd but for 8 to 10 miles depending what side you go up. These roads are curvy and bumpy with huge washboard sections and pot holes with the occaisional sand pit thrown in to keep you on your toes. Perfect practice for cross. Long steep technical downhills on the way to work and climbs back up after work. It feels good to be on the cross bike. Amazing all purpose machines. Speaking of which I am supposed to be on mine right now. More to come, I mean it this time.